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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ready, Set, GO!!

Hi People,

First I must say thank you to all the wonderful advice, comments and encouragement on my last post.   You all were very helpful to me.

With that noted,  I have to keep this one short!    I think I may be going into Labor as I'm typing this.  I'm feeling some contractions (I think) at least every 10 minutes.    I'm so excited!   (and scared).   It's December 31, New Years Eve-hopefully that makes me a contender for having the First Baby of the New Year!  I told Her she should try to come today!

It's funny how God works.   I have been MISERABLE this last week-due to the physical discomfort.   It's been to the point where I am like -get this Baby out of me!   But I had no real indication that she was coming as my last two Dr. Appointments-one as recent as yesterday-confirmed that I wasn't even dilated yet.    So all week, I had been worried about my Mom getting here in time, but than according to what the Dr. said-I probably was going to go to my date -Jan. 2nd -or even later.   That news was discouraging-only because I'm feeling so ready for Her to be here and so physically uncomfortable-it was wearing on me.

So, I called my Mom after yesterday's Dr. appt. and told her the news.  She's past 70 so I didn't want her driving up here in haste.  I told her she may as well not rush.   But guess what?  She came anyway and I can only be Thankful to God, because I started feeling a semblance of something like cramps last night which I now think were contractions.

What has been my theme for this blog?  Well the central theme is that We Make Plans and God laughs!  I know he's laughing at me right now and at the same time, He has shown me mercy and grace by answering my Prayers.

My Mom tried to calm me down earlier this week when I started crying hysterically about possibly  being alone when I go into Labor, and then she said I was a "strong woman"!  God if I had a nickel, a penny, freak it -a Dollar for every time I have heard that -I would be FILTHY RICH right now.   It's true, I'm strong, smart, resourceful and independent, but that doesn't mean I don't need people.  I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, I need and long for a partner to walk this path with me, I need to know I'm loved and I have support from those in my circle.  I need to know when I call, someone will answer.    Well I know that God answers...he hears my call even if no-one else does.     I'm so thankful that Mom is here and I'm so thankful for my gracious friends & Sorors-who I think have been Angels-sent to help through this time.

 It is has been difficult-being alone and not having support -with none at all from the Baby's Father and I don't wish this situation on anyone and I really never planned (there goes that word plan) to be in this type of situation, but again, God knew what I could bear -even when I didn't know.   Let's be clear, I decided to have this Child even though I knew the relationship wasn't working-He wasn't right AT all and I knew I had to end it.  However, this Baby was a gift and I decided to have Faith and trust that although She wasn't my plan -at this time, with this Man-She was a part of God's plan..and I'm so very thankful!   I don't regret my decision to be Her Mom. 

God Bless my Friends-hopefully, I'm off to the hospital soon and this is the Real McCoy and I'm not just having Braxton Hicks contractions! LOL.   Y'all would be really mad at the fake out!  :)

Love you and please pray for me and the Baby!

XOXO,

Dayna

Friday, December 23, 2011

Questions.

Hello my Friends!    

So I can't sleep with anticipation and the fact that I keep dreaming about my Baby Girl!  It's about 10 days to go until her due date -and I'm so ready for Her!   I'm excited and scared and of course, I have a LOT on my mind!   Principally, LOTS of Questions!!     

I have one in particular that has really been unsettling for me and I've been grappling with it for months. 

"Should I call my Child's Father when I'm going into Labor & Delivery?". 

That should be a simple one right?   I'm a Christian so that answer should be easy, right?    Let me tell you why it isn't-briefly.  

1) The Mother of my Child's Father (my Baby's paternal Grandmother)  told me that her Son said  I wasn't really pregnant-that the picture I sent of me pregnant was me putting a pillow under my dress. 
2) He hasn't attempted to contact me in any way since I put his freeloading, mean,  lazy behind out of my house in July.
3) He threatened to hit me and I was 4 months pregnant. 
4) He's lied to his close friends, family & associates about the circumstances of My Pregnancy and even denied that I was pregnant.   

To be clear folks, this is a 40 year old man.    The level of ignorance and malice he has shown is startling...and let me be clear,  I gave him absolutely no reason to do any of the above.   It's just who he is. 

So what do I do?   I'm leaning towards not bothering to tell him-he's shown no concern, care or consideration-especially since the moment I found out.   Am I right to just keep it moving?   Am I wrong for not wanting this man around my Child?  Am I wrong to think that I don't trust him to love her?   Should his name even go on the birth certificate, if I'm even able to do so?  Am I wrong to not pursue Child Support because I think he will be vindictive and try to take her or hurt her because he wants to hurt me?   It's being done to innocent children a lot nowadays-just watch the news.   

I have also questioned my process and myself over and over again.  I ask myself:  How did I get Here-I played by all the rules and then they changed?,   Why did He have to be the Father?,  Why did I choose the Men I chose?,  Don't I deserve to have a complete family?, Will there be a positive Male Role model in my Daughter's life?,  Why did I have to do this alone?  If many of us are perfectly honest with ourselves,  I'm sure many a Single Mom, and maybe even a Married Mom may have asked herself these questions too.   

Anyway-I'm sorry to say that these questions are on my mind.  No Woman should have to deal with this-especially when it takes two to make a Baby, but sadly-it happens all the time.     I am just thankful that I can & will do this on my own without his help or interference.   I know it won't be easy, but I don't have a choice and I knew this may be how things would turn out when I decided to have her.  I can only trust in God that all will be alright.    I still have a lot of questions though!  :)

In spite of all the joy, happiness and anticipation...I'm sure I have other questions too that are natural for most Mom's -To-Be.     Like:   What will she look like?  Will she be healthy?   What kind of personality will she have?  What am I gonna do all alone at 3 am feedings?    Will she come on time?   Is it really gonna be as hard as everyone says and what have I gotten myself into?   Will I be able to function with no sleep?   How do I keep her safe from all the troubles in the world?   What about daycare, nannies and hired help-can you really trust anyone with your Baby?  Will I be able to breastfeed successfully (apparently it ain't that easy)?   Is it really ok to go back to work at 3 months?   Will I know what I'm doing?  What will my Parenting style be?   Will I spoil her?   Will she be independent like me?   

It's overwhelming at times.  I can understand why Pregnant women can sometimes be depressed or just cry-this is a lot of responsibility people.  I read the parenting, pregnancy blogs & websites,  and even though there may be two supporting, loving partners-Mommies-To-Be are still sometimes anxious, sad and scared.   I never took this idea of becoming a Mom lightly, and now that it is actually happening-it's like WHOA!    It's a lifetime comittment-you can't quit being a Mommy -EVER.     So many Fathers do just walk away, it's not the same for them as it is for us...whether your married or not.    

At the end of the day, I'm trusting that it's gonna be "Alright-I feel it.  Stand-up it's all-right!  Let nothing block your way cuz it's your day!" -Nuyorican Soul! 

We all have questions, it's natural.    

Please pray for me and the Baby-the next time I write, She will most likely be here.    All of your prayers, comments and notes do help and I'm thankful for the positive encouragement.  

XOXO,
DG


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Epiphany (ies)

"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!  Rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun, three little birds are by my doorstep, singing sweet songs of melodies pure & true, saying this is my message to you...Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!"  -Bob Marley

Hi Everybody!!! I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've had a lot going on, chiefly finishing up my Thesis/Capstone project for Grad School.  I'm so pleased and proud that I turned it in yesterday!  3 long years of hard work while working full-time and its' done!  I was blessed to have this semester with no full-time work-that would've been a LOT with a Baby on the way!  All thanks be to God!  All things work together for the good of them that love the lord! (Romans 8:28)

I'm soooo Happy y'all  to have that weight off my shoulders -the next task BIRTH!  :)  THEN I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO LINE UP WORK! :)   I gotta keep a roof over her head!

So, I've been meaning to write this post for awhile.   One night I was laying in bed, a little sleepless, a bit troubled, wondering about how I got to this place in my life.   I was mourning what I thought I should've had..."First comes Love, then comes marriage, then comes Dayna and the Baby Carriage!"   Y'all know that rhyme-every little girl learns it-it was my dream and it was the way things were supposed to be for me, I never thought anything different.  I still hope for that type of family structure.   So I was thinking about all the CRAP I've been through with Men, and how I could be in a situation with a Man of such ill character-where the Child's Father doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he's having a baby-someone who could just completely absolve himself-without even so much as a phone call in 5 months-after all I did to support Him and his dreams.   Wow.

Let me be clear people, it's not about HIM.  My sadness was about my choices with Him and every other choice I made in the relationship department that took me FURTHER away from that dream of Love & Marriage and the Baby Carriage.   So many of us play victim.  I was a willing participant in these failed relationships, and I had a part to play.    People can hurt us, but  often we HURT ourselves more by not being true to ourselves.  Some of us don't even know what we need-and that's a big problem.   I mean simply that we all have a choice.    We don't have to be unhappy.   So in all this sadness, it happened-the Epiphany.  

I don't remember the circumstance, but I clearly remember my Daddy telling me one day, "Dayna, your a survivor!"   That was probably one of the most profound things he said to me, because until that moment, I often felt like a victim.    Those words came back to me as I was lamenting in bed, and then I realized that all the drama & struggles I've been through, in relationships, with finances, with my Career even-has prepared me for this journey, this Journey of Being a Mommy-all by myself.    Even the circumstances that led me to meeting her Father and now having this Baby were drama-but this was  meant for me.  Meant for me to experience this joy that IS my BABY.    That's why in ALL THINGS, even in the valleys-you give Thanks-because I believe there is a greater plan at work that is not mine.

Now after finishing this Thesis, and even pulling a 24 hour no-sleep shift at almost 9 months pregnant, I know I can do anything!!   That is BIG folks, because you must understand,  BEING A SINGLE MOM WAS PROBABLY ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS!    I never wanted to do this alone, BUT more importantly, I didn't think I could!    This is the EPIPHANY-I can and I WILL, and I'm gonna be a damn good Mommy!   All those struggles were preparation for THIS TIME and this wonderful WORK of being a Mother and molding and shaping the Life of another Human Being.  It's the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!   This is NOT going to be Easy-but I can do it!  The EPIPHANY is that  I've overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life -that I now know I can do this!  AND Yes-all by myself-I can do this.    

A few years ago, after taking the Landmark Forum,  I wrote down many possibilities that I wanted for my life.  One of them was to live fearlessly.  I must say, I have manifested that possibility into being over the last couple of years.   The choice to have my little Girl is living fearlessly for me.    We can't live in Fear folks.  Fear of what people think, fear of what we think we can't handle, fear of being alone,  any kind of fear.    I thankfully, have a lot of spiritual faith that helps me to get beyond my Fears.     I simply trust that God has a purpose for me and my life and what will be will be-so I've learned to move more freely over the years.   Having this Baby is a result of being "FREED FROM THE FEAR" .    Epiphany.    I'm not sad, I'm thankful for the Blessing that is her, but also because I'm truly FREE now.

All this aloneness has given me clarity.   Being alone hasn't been so bad-I've always feared it, but most often, I am alone.   There's no "Crew" of men and women around me.   I have people I can call on and people that just step-up, but it's been just Me through this whole pregnancy and just me dealing with my own struggles.   I have learned that I can handle it all.   God has been preparing me for all that is to come.  If I can do this, I can be a Mother-all on my own.  The beauty of it is this-after she is here, I won't ever be lonely again-at least not until she is 21! :)

"Yes I was burned, but I called it a Lesson Learned.  The stake overturned so I called it a Lesson Learned, my SOUL has returned so I called it a Lesson Learned"  that one is by Alicia Keys, a favorite when I truly had my heart broken...but I even knew then-it was a LESSON LEARNED.  

I'm learning the lessons people.     Epiphany.    Baby Girl is the fruit of the Lessons Learned-as MUCH as she is a Blessing.  She will be my Teacher too.   Epiphany.  

XOXO,

Love Dayna

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Unpredictable

"For the way you changed my plans...for the way u took the idea that I had of everything that I wanted to have and made me see there was something missing.. your the Best thing I never knew I needed! And now it's so clear, I need you hear always"  Ne-Yo

Ouch!!!!   Again....I am screaming loudly this time....OUCH!!!!!   Lord, have mercy on my body!  I haven't been able to walk straight for almost 2 weeks or get up from a chair without feeling real pain.

My pelvic bones are stretching ..or something like that...AND IT HURTS!!   Who knew???  One girlfriend did say she had the exact problem I'm having so I didn't panic when it started, but she had it even worse than me as she literally had to have help to walk.    I told my Dr. and all she said is "uh-huh-that sometimes happens" Really ?????-that's all I get???    On top of the heartburn and acid reflux..most days my body feels really beat up-but the Dr. says BABY GIRL is fine.    She's moving all the time...and giving me more forceful kicks and punches now...I can tell you it sometimes hurts too-especially when she's dancing on my bladder.

To quote a friend folks..."Pregnancy is no Joke!".    Honestly, I am telling you right now..I am in pain and very uncomfortable...I really know now that if you haven't carried a Baby for 9 Months...you truly may not be able to understand or empathize how we feel.   I mean this blog is candid and real...you know it's not always been pretty, because my experience hasn't all been pretty, so I'm hitting you with the REAL TRUTH as it is for me.  Of course, every Pregnancy is different and if we did know half the stuff that could happen...I'm sure there would be few folks who would say "NO THANKS!"  I guess it all started with that damn apple in the Garden-thanks EVE! LOL

Ok, so I have to admit, I am a little bit stressed and worried, anyone who says don't worry -is not being realistic!  I saw the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon interview on 20/20...and I can cosign on what Mariah said.. "There's nothing that could have prepared me for what happened to my body" (I'm paraphrasing of course).   I was like Hallelujia-somebody else understands-and she was carrying Twins!  Like Mariah, I had to be on Projesterone until I was about 15 weeks because I was at risk of a miscarriage and it was difficult in the beginning.   It's the things they don't tell you about that really throw you for a loop.    Some of the things you experience are simply UNPREDICTABLE.

Again, it is totally unrealistic for people who have never been Pregnant to say "Don't Worry, Be Happy"..especially when you feel some kind of miserable most of the time-the physcial stress does take a toll.   Being Pregnant is not always like the cartoons depict, you know, like the image of Snow White as she's dancing in the woods, birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and all the cute little animals are singing with her??? Nosiree!!  That is pure Fantasy!!   Not to mention, I can't even watch my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice and see some Baby or Child with an impossible medical situation and as a soon to be parent think..."Oh No...what if that happened to my Child?"  One of the characters, Sam, on Private Practice confessed that he didn't want to have another child because he was scared to death all the time as a parent because of all the things that could have happened to his daughter Maya.   I can relate.   Hell, I can't even watch the news anymore-it's scary!

I went to a newborn care and breastfeeding class recently, and it was helpful, but very overwhelming -there is so much to know!  It's natural to have fears...and I can understand why.  You want to PROTECT your Children from everything, but you can't CONTROL everything-some things are just UNPREDICTABLE-you just have to put it in God's Hands!

On top of all this, I'm writing my thesis  so I can Graduate with my Masters in December, and I'm working part-time.  It's a lot!  I'm thankful I'm not working full-time-I don't know if I could have done it-not with the physical issues I've had.  Just recently, my Dr. tells me she is leaving the Practice-and I'm now in my 3rd Trimester-she won't even deliver my Baby. Seriously!!!  Also, a crazy chick has been harassing me with mean text messages and even physically tried to provoke me in public.   I can say I've got more than 1 nasty text from her-that is stressful.     It's easy for people to say ignore that kind of thing and just be happy, but it's kind of hard when craziness knocks at your front door and engages you directly-especially when you are already emotional.  

Folks, if you heard the saying don't anger a Pregnant woman-really, trust that!!   You've heard   "Hell hath no fury like a woman Scorned"  I'm telling you HELL AIN'T NOTHING LIKE PURPOSELY angering a Pregnant Woman.   I mean on top of ALL THE PHYSICAL STRESS, there is definitley some EMOTIONAL STRESS...so really, don't start none-it won't be none!!!   LOL!   Truly, with our hormones raging the way they do and all the physical issues...it doesn't take much!  I just hope mature people understand that...:) Really, I love MOST of you! :)

To be honest, I'm a Christian, so I really try to live my life and govern my actions by "THE GOLDEN RULE" of Do Unto Others, and I try to be very ZEN-so it's hard for me to comprehend how some people can be heartless, mean, conniving and just downright evil to other folks in any circumstance for no good reason.   I don't process that well.   Also, it shows a total lack of compassion and human decency to engage a Pregnant woman in negative manner with all on her plate..that's the reason Baby Father is gone!  I can't tolerate that negative energy regularly, and especially now.   Like I noted earlier, it's probably very hard for folks to understand if they haven't been through a Pregnancy at all or maybe they just lack compassion?   At the end of the day, I can't control other people, just like you can't control the unknown...it's UNPREDICTABLE.  All you can do is keep the Faith and believe all will be well.  

So, as I'm sitting here writing because I can't sleep from this pain, please know I do have some perspective...I wrote about that in an earlier post.   I mean, it could be worse!  Some folks have to go on Bed Rest, and some have to be in the Hospital for months to carry their Babies to a point where they are able to be born healthy, some have Gestational Diabetes-like Mariah had-and have to take Insulin and be monitored regularly, some have developmental complications with the Baby in the womb-you never know!  It's UNPREDICTABLE.

Essentially, in spite of my pain, I"m thankful that She's ok and I haven't had any serious issues.   God is really good.   I may have my worries and fears as a Parent to be-it's natural.  I may have some PHYSICAL pains now and I may even have had EMOTIONAL pain.  I may experience pain when she's born...AND I DON'T KNOW everything NOR can I CONTROL everything and everyone, BUT I'M BLESSED.   This little Girl is a Gift!      I can't wait to meet Her and see what she looks like or what kind of personality she will have-after all, those things are  UNPREDICTABLE too.  :)

XOXO

Love D!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Thankful!!

"I've got evidence, I've got confidence, I'm a conqueror, I know that I Win.  I know who I am, God wrote it in his plan for me, ooh, ooh, ooh-My Name is Victory!" -Jonathan Nelson

"I know the odds looked stacked against you, and it seems there is no way out.  I know the issue seems unchangeable and that there's no reason to shout.  But the impossible, is God's chance to work a miracle.  So just know..it AIN'T over -until God says its over!  It ain't over until God says it's DONE.  Keep fighting until your victory is won!"- Maurette Brown Clark

81 days to go Folks!   When I first heard I was pregnant-I thought oh God,  this is gonna be an eternity-9 whole months!   My oh my-how time flies!  It's October and she will soon be here in January!    Sure, I'm missing my beloved Howard University Homecoming today, but I can't wait until next year when I have my little Girl with me, and I can proudly call myself her Momma on the Yard next year!!   Go HU! I'm there in spirit!   I desperately need an HU Baby Sweatshirt!!!  

My Beautiful, wonderful NYC/NJ friends threw my Baby Shower last weekend, and it was everything I hoped for!   I even had friends come in from LA and Florida, along with my Family from MD and even Detroit, MI.   I was so thankful!   I felt so loved!   It was all so SURREAL!!!!   Every woman dreams about the day they will get married and the day she will have a Baby, right?   Somehow,  I could never envision what those days would look like for myself, shoot as the years went by and I wasn't married or was not in a relationship with a significant other-I wasn't so sure I would actually birth a child-so standing in front of my friends and loved ones at the Shower, was almost dreamlike for me.   The reality has finally hit-I'm gonna be somebody's Mother!

You know folks, my theme all along has been that in spite of what seems like a "breakdown" -there is always beauty in the breakdown.   It's all about perspective.    I never saw this in my plan for my life-not happening this way-but God is in control-always, and you have to believe that and trust in him.   The last 5 years of my life have been filled with a lot of turmoil, heartbreak, disappointments and stress, and at the same time-I've been able to see just how much I've been blessed!   Even when times seem dark and you don't know how you will get through it all...if you have any kind of spiritual faith, you know that God has your back.   Through it all-I knew I would win.  I knew I would have "the Victory!"   My Child is the Victory.   (Actually that is a pretty great name for her-but alas, I've settled on another uber cool, classy name!)

As I get closer and closer to the due date, I admit I have a bit of trepidation, a bit of worry of how will I get through this by myself,  yet I still have this underlying peace, calm and faith that everything is going to work out just fine-it always has.      Even when I found out I was pregnant and things got progressively worse with her Father-I knew everything would be alright.   And for the record,  since everyone is asking me-no I have not spoken to him since July 11-the day I put him out.  He has not tried to contact me, and I'm not even surprised.  He is too wrapped up in his own sick mind to think about anyone but himself...and honestly, I've had a peaceful pregnancy without his toxic presence.   So don't feel sorry for me, as it is another Blessing from God.   See-it's all about perspective folks.  

Anywhoo,  even for the people that couldn't make the Shower, I'm getting gifts daily-and I'm soooo Thankful!    I'm blessed folks!   In all things give thanks!    I just have to say it here-I love you all-thanks for being supportive and for being a help to me.   I keep positive people around me, and those who are not,  I remove.  It's critical and essential that I'm surrounded with good energy from loving, non-judgemental people for me and my Baby.  I may not see some of you all the time, but thanks for being around when I need you.   I'm living a "Blessed" life.  

At the Shower, I realized once again how many good people are really around me.   My Baby and I are not really alone-there are folks that I can call on.    There are people who wish the best for us.   Love attracts Love -and a Baby is Love.    I'm Grateful.  I'm Thankful.  I'm Loved.   Now all this love that I've had to give will be given to Her...God knew I had it to give, and now He has given me someone to Love the way I've always wanted to Love.. and SHE deserves it.  In the end, it will all come back to Me, from her.  

Be Blessed!

XOXO

Dayna

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Glass Half Full-Literally!

"Too much on my mind, Too much on my mind...Maybe right now I can't see the forest for the trees, so lost behind hurt, BUT I'M TRYING EVERYDAY EXPONENTIALLY TO MOVE FORWARD.....BUT When I wake up, everything I went through will be Beautiful, when I wake up, and I will wake up -IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL :)"  Ms. Jill Scott

Can I just say, Jill Scott is officially now my FAV female artist...there is not a song she has sung, written, etc. that I don't FEEL.  My Soul Sista-like Wendy Williams would say, "She's a Friend in my Head!".

Hi Y'all!   I'm up at 5am -been up since about 4am-this is par for the course nowadays...partially cuz little one wakes me and also because I have "too much on my mind".  

So I now begin with a few words of thought.  Perception is everything -so you have heard, right?  Well, perception has largely to do with your perspective-how you view things or your outlook on life, etc.  For example,  if your perspective on life is that people are shady, you can't trust anyone, people are out to "hurt you" or to "get you", and everyone lies-than how you PERCEIVE things and actions is based largely on your perspective.  True, facts are facts-but even the facts can skew one way or the other based on your outlook.    In short, if you are shady and you believe folks are shady-you will perceive things in a negative light.   Conversely, if your outlook or perspective is positive, than you will perceive things as positive most likely.

I can't control people's perceptions on this blog, but I'm gonna keep it real and keep it 100 about  how I'm perceiving pregnancy to be so far. :)

First of all, I don't understand those women that say Pregnancy is beautiful.  Don't get me wrong, I'm loving that I will be a Mom-but the 9 months of drastic, unpredictable change to your body-I can do without! LOL.   There is sooooooo much that happens to you!  I'm looking at my Mommy friends a little cross-eyed now, like "GIRL, why didn't you TELL ME ABOUT THIS???!!"  I mean damn is it some big secret-help a Sister out!  One of my Girlfriends said at her shower--"Umm there's a lot of things people didn't tell me" If that ain't the freaking understatement of the year.    

So, I understand pregnancy is different for everyone in spite of the common symptoms we all may have, but I'm about to drop dime on a few doozeys!     I know a lot of Men are checking this so you may or may not be shocked.   It may even be a little TMI for you...but maybe it will help you when/if your Girlfiend or Wife are undergoing this experience and your looking at her like -"WTH?  She's gone batty and we need an exorcist stat!"  You really have to cut us some slack fellas!

So-the first uncomfortable thing, or probably the most is what I call "Golden Showers-redefined" Ok, the pregnancy blogs and boards call it a SNISS-that means SNEEZE + PEE folks.  Yes, oh yes.. Kegel exercises (or your lack thereof) have never been more important Ladies.   Yes, every time I sneeze or laugh, I seem to pee on myself a little.  Who knew I would have to feel like I need to walk around with Depends????  My God I did not know I  had signed up for this!  Additionally, because congestion, sneezing and runny noses are also a side effect of pregnancy, (which I happen to suffer from), the problem is compounded!  So I'm SNISSing all damn day.   Sigh.

What else, hmm..the INCESSANT heartburn.  Yeah, I feel like I have a flamethrower in my chest/stomach daily.   And since nothing is ever THAT simple with me, it only exacerbates my pre-existing acid reflux...so lately on top of any nausea I may have got over in the first trimester, I'm throwing up in my mouth all day-yuck.  No kissing for me anytime soon!!  LOL.  The only good thing about that is the pregnancy manuals suggest that lots of heartburn is a sign of a lot of hair!  Well, at this rate I'm feeling like my Baby Girl will be Rapunzel!!

And oh yeah, MY FEET ACHE ALL THE TIME!  The TRAGEDY of this -is that I'm told my feet may be growing...Oh Good God I almost fainted when I heard this...my feet growing at 40?? Ladies, I'm sure you can sympathize with me...those of you who know me know I have a NICE shoe collection and I have a DEEP affinity for Jimmy Choo!!  I mean are you telling me that I won't be able to wear my size 40 (9) Jimmy Choos, my LaBoutins, my Fendi and my Stuart Weitzman's ?? Oh Hell No!!!  NEXT...

So all of my life I have been a Migraine sufferer.   Sadly, headaches are a common side effect of pregnancy too.  People who know about Migraines, know they are TERRIBLY painful and can be really severe...the only thing that helps some people, like myself, is prescription medicine or in my case Excedrin Migraine, BUT, you can't take those as a pregnant woman.  So, if a pregnancy headache comes and I don't stop it early with Tylenol (which tends to be useless on me)...then I have the potential to deal with a 2, 3, 4 day headache.  One time it was a WEEK!  Oh my God, I can't tell you what it felt like, except in Greek Mythology, where Athena, daughter of Zeus, is born from his HEAD-and that's what it literally feels like-like I'm giving birth from my HEAD!

Another one I almost forgot, is that I'm HOT ALL THE TIME.  I feel like there is a furnace inside me!  If I have to go anywhere and look decent, I have to leave the pin curls in my hair until I get to the train, bus or car-or else I'm gonna sweat it out before I get to my destination.  I feel like I'm going to catch fire at any minute!  So yes, I'm breaking out in a sweat any time, any where...combustible explosion coming on folks-back away carefully!!

Well, there are many more I could talk about, but the one that blows my mind the most is FEELING her Move.   The first time it was this cute little flutter...I was like "Ooooh, I really feel butterflies in my stomach!"  Now at 6 months....it literally reminds me of the movie "Aliens". LOL.  It is truly freaky, I feel her turning, kicking and punching, but it is really good...it gives me a sense of comfort that she is ok!  I spend time watching my stomach jump and move...it is really trippy, but I get a kick out of it-literally!  Haha!  Times like those I talk to her.   She kicks me in my Bladder a lot though-and thus there goes that involuntary pissing feeling!! LOL.  Geez, what can I say...at least she's active.   I have heard friends tell me they have been kicked in the ribs, and some have seen bruises form on their bellies as the baby gets bigger and is kicking harder-OUCH!  

So folks, it all comes down to my perspective on all this and how I'm perceiving things.   I guess women maybe don't talk about it as much because their friends are disinterested, maybe they are embarrassed, or some just think it best to keep it private...OR maybe once that little bundle is here...all you can think about is the JOY that this new little life, of which you are the caretaker of, brings.  
I saw I Don't Know How She Does It with SJP and there was a character in the movie that detested the whole idea of kids and marriage and pregnancy. I won't spoil it for those who want to see it..but her Perspective changed.

In the end, it all boils down to that although this may be 9 months of uncomfortable bodily changes, I will have a Lifetime of happiness through experiencing the Joy of Motherhood.   I can't wait to meet Her!   In all things, "Give Thanks".   I am so thankful God blessed me with Her.    "When I wake up, she's gonna be Beautiful!

XOXO.

Mommies, what were some of the crazy side effects you had and what did you do to "cure" or control them??? help a Sister out!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Hi Haters!!

"No matter where I live, despite the things I give ...you'll always be this way..so go head and Hate on Me Hater, Now or Later-cuz I'm gonna do me, you be mad Baby!!! ...You can't hate on me, cuz my Mind is Free, Feel my Destiny, So shall it BE!"-Ms. Jill Scott

Now we take a break from our regularly scheduled programming ..because I gotta "runtelldat" for a minute. Yeah-I said it!! LOL.

When people think the chips are down, they really show their "arses". There have been a lot of things said and done that really have helped me to evaluate who my "true" friends are in my present situation, and the people that I can trust. To quote the Preacher in his Sunday Sermon this past Sunday.. "There is no Product with the Promise" ...meaning people are doing "False Advertising". The sermon, based on 1st John 3:16 (not to be confused with John 3:16) was about a love supreme. Folks today are talking about having a love supreme but the love within them is missing" so in other words...we are advertising but we don't have the Product to back it up!

Let me give you an illustration. My Child's Father is somewhat of a Religious Zealot. At first, I thought wow, a Man who reads the Bible everyday, quotes the scriptures..he's gotta be righteous. NOT. Instead of working or looking for a job, he would sometimes spend his time locked up in my spare room for 8 hours, 24 hours and even a 48 hour Bible Study sessions on the computer with Preachers -with only bathroom, sleep and food breaks.. He would barely talk to me and then when he came out of the room would say "What's for Dinner?" Huh??? Every church I took him too...he blasted the Ministers and said these churches aren't preaching the right things and I'm not going to any of them-All of these people think they are going to Heaven by Tithing but they are going to Hell!"

In the meantime, he had no problem being verbally abusive to Me and his Mother, completely disrespectful and just downright mean. I would question him about how could he study the Bible so much and not live the Principles? Something was off there!! He prided himself on never smoking or drinking-so I guess that would get him into heaven. The kicker was this self-righteous, bible zealot actually lied to people the day after I put him out...and told HIS FRIENDS & MUTUAL FRIENDS -that I hid my pregnancy from him for months and that when he found out..he begged me to be involved! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Ok-so maybe he's crazy and that was not a shocker..but what happened after was. You see...he was providing a product-with no Promise.

One so called friend actually called Me to question what this man had told her. This is someone I had known for 10 years and even though she "showed me her arse" several times-I always forgave her and no matter what drama she would pull me into...I would have her back. She knew my Child's Father for not even 10 months, but became mad at me when I told her he is not to be trusted and there were some pretty ugly things he said about her...she basically told me off, "unfriended me" but NOT after she became friends with my Baby Father and now EX on FB. She was offering a Product with no Promise-that is NOT what I call a true friend.

Another friend really broke my heart...someone I considered to be very close to me. Someone I always tried to be there for, even when she used me as her punching bag. Ironically, this same person wrote something recently about compassion -and all I could do was think really?? What does she know because she didn't show me an ounce of it. Not even a phone call after I had to put that Man out or when my I was going through pure hell at work. When I got promoted, instead of congratulations-she said, "Why-what does that mean for everyone else?". When I told her I was in a relationship with my Child's Father, she literally started CRYING. She had recently gone through a breakup and she said it was because she didn't want to see me get hurt. When I told her I was pregnant...BLANK STARE. No congratulations, no reassuring words like "don't worry Sis, in spite of what your going through-things will be fine, it's a blessing!". Nope -not quite reactions I would have hoped for from a "friend". You see, she also was advertising the "Product with no Promise".

If there is one characteristic you could use to describe me...it is LOYAL. I'm loyal to a fault and to my own damn detriment. People that should get cut off don't get cut off soon enough sometimes and I staunchly defend those I consider my peeps when everybody else is calling them "Stank ass Hoes, Phony, and Backstabbing Bitches." I stay with Men maybe longer than I should and I maybe do more than I should because I am the "Stand by your Man and proverbial Ride or Die woman" I am also the person that as your "friend" will sometimes tell you the things you don't really want to hear...but it is done from a place of love because I want to protect you. Being in my situation, has really opened my eyes. Something really has happened to the "LOVE" in people.

Another thing I have to note is that "Silence" is NOT always Golden. Silence is sometimes a Killer as the Pastor said. "To say something, is an act of Love". One mutual friend of both me and my Child's Father told me "he didn't want to know about all that and he was giving that man the benefit of the doubt...and furthermore, no one was really concerned about what had happened..they just wanted the best for the Child!" Really??? Not what I expect from the "Morehouse Men" and best friends of this man who abandoned all of his responsibility. What happened to holding people accountable for their actions? I'm not perfect, but I told him "you know me and you know I'm a good woman and no matter what has happened between people, no Woman deserves this kind of treatment." And Brothers wonder why Sisters are so bitter sometimes??? Maybe if you held each other accountable....they wouldn't think it was ok to do such rotten shit...but no..."it's not your business.". I'm sorry, but that's not love-you are not helping your friends by keeping your Mouths shut if you care.

Lastly, someone said to me, "maybe the right people are not reading your blog and your just giving them more fodder for gossip". To that I say.."Go ahead and Hate on Me Haters"! . Yes you can keep reading the blog! If I gave a shit about what anyone thought, I wouldn't have wrote it. Furthermore, if your "MAD" because you feel I should've TOLD U certain information...ponder on why I didn't...maybe it was because "I didn't feel the LOVE!" ...you know who you are.

And to those of you who can call me when you want something...like a business contact, a hook-up, or a reference, but you don't even pick up the phone to ask "how are you honey..Is there anything you need?" or just to say "Hi D" -I got your number now! All Product and NO PROMISE.

At this time, I have to now concentrate on giving that PRODUCT WITH A PROMISE and that SUPREME LOVE to my Baby Girl.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Until next time!

XOXO



Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My oh Me-I have a Mini Me!!

"Who run the world? GIRLS! ...
Boy u know u LOVE IT how we smart enough to make these MILLIONS, STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAR THE CHILDREN and get back to business!"-Beyonce

I had to run straight home and write today! So much to say! You know I played that song on repeat all the way home today! Let me just say here-I LOVE B! She really is Beautiful, Talented, Gracious and Fierce with a Swag that's all her own-and I think she's been a great role model for today's young girls! :) I am so happy about her Baby news and the way she announced it was truly FAB! And that brings us to the subject at hand-my OWN little Girl-YAY!!!

By now you know I'm BRUTALLY honest..so it doesn't stop now! I tell you I have always envisioned myself having a little Boy if I was ever going to have a Baby. Partly because my Family is FULL OF GIRLS, and partly because up until my 20's -I related more to Boys myself, I was a little tomboy until they started getting too FRESH with me to play with them!! LOL !
I Confess I ALWAYS Loved Men, I liked them more than I liked Girls-cuz I'm not the girly, girl-I'm very independent and boys had a very independent nature that I was drawn too..+ I didn't know many Girls who collected Comic Books like me! (I was always a little bit different and a bit of a Loner..I didn't like the Girl "pack" mentality".. and I still don't play that way! )

Also, I always wanted to raise a Boy to be the type of Man that I would have wanted to date/marry as an adult, because I don't feel many Boys are being RAISED these days-especially the way Daughters in our community are being RAISED. You know the saying-Mama's RAISE their Daughters and LOVE their Sons, right? I wanted to do something about that...but what I have said many times before...WE MAKE THOSE PLANS .. and God says, It's not about your plan.

Ok Sex and the City devotees, you may relate to this....Do you remember when Miranda was pregnant with Brady and when she went for a Sonogram? The Nurse happily and excitedly told Miranda it was a Boy and she responded with BLANK stare?? AND then when the nurse couldn't understand her reaction, she fained delight with a fake smile and the words, "A Boy, Yay!" LOL -that was me! It wasn't because of disappointment...it was shock and also a bit of a relief... because at that point, I knew that I had sooooo much to teach her, WOMAN to WOMAN, and I knew I would be good at it! I guess it was just.... CALM. True, I had always wanted a BOY, but I KNOW WHAT I DON'T KNOW, and I would've have definitely wanted a Dad present to show him what I DON'T KNOW about being a Man-not that I wouldn't have done a good job, I just believe that all children benefit from having the MALE & FEMALE perspective, it's just easier for me to teach my little mini-me baby Girl the female perspective than it would be for me to teach a Boy the male perspective. Wooo-Saaaaah!!!

Now get this, it is also filled with irony that I'm having a Girl, because God is gonna teach SOMEBODY a lesson.. My Baby's Father and now EX once said to me "If it's a Girl, that would've just been a WASTE of Time" -Can you believe that $h!!?? HAHA -the last laugh is on that JOKER...God don't like UGLY, and you know I laugh inside as I think about it now! You see God always knows what we need and when we need it-If ANYONE can benefit from a little girl, that Caveman character of my Child's Father-would! I swear to you he's a total Fred Flinstone-"You Woman, Me Man-GRUNT, GRUNT" . It may teach him a little freaking sensitivity and RESPECT for Women-traits that he SORELY lacks! LOL -I love the humor in it all!

Anywhooo, now I'm thinking and wondering how she will be!?? Will she be Adventurous like her Mama? Will she be creative? Will she have an inquisitive mind? Will she be resilient? Will she be an INDEPENDENT THINKER and do what SHE THINKS is right and not what other people say is (like her Mama)? And ...will she have a natural predilection for the finer things- umm..like Jimmy Choo-also like her Mama :) -if NOT I will certainly teach her! :)

Most importantly, I want to teach her to be GODFEARING. I want to teach her to be ARTICULATE, TENACIOUS and FEARLESS! I want to teach her to be CONFIDENT yet GRACIOUS. I want to teach her to be LOVING, but not be a PUSHOVER. Also, I want her to know that it is OK to feel like she NEEDS people and help sometimes. I say that because I am not a Woman that subscribes to the ideal that a "Woman doesn't need a Man." I believe ALL Women need Men, they just don't want to admit it, I know I most certainly DO NEED a Good, Strong, Godfearing Man in my life! I believe in balance in nature, balance in the mind and balance in life-a YEN to my YANG, and for my Daughter, I will teach her that although she can do ANYTHING she set's her mind to do, it's ok to WANT someone to help you once in a while and it's ok to feel like you NEED someone, and it's ok to express that need-in the right way! So I will teach her to be STRONG and SOFT, to be CAUTIOUS with her heart but be VULNERABLE enough to fall in LOVE, to FEEL with her HEART but to TRUST her instincts! And above all, to LOVE HERSELF FIRST (and of course love her MOMMY & GOD! :).

In the end, I'm saying I want to teach her, the LESSONS I have learned-Woman to Woman, Mother to Daughter, the only way I can teach my little Baby Girl...by teaching what I KNOW. I can't wait to meet her!!

XOXO My Lovelies-Thank you all for taking the time to read!

QUESTION: Ladies, what do you think is the most important lesson you can teach your little one? Would love to hear your thoughts! :) Mommy to Mommy!

p.s. In my last blog I referenced seeing Fat Joe's bare belly being rubbed-it was actually Big Pun! LOL-my true hip-hop heads called me out on that one! God Bless the Dead! LOL


Friday, August 26, 2011

Death of A Self-Proclaimed "Socialite"

My has my life changed!! AND THAT'S A SERIOUS UNDERSTATEMENT!

I will be candid with you again and tell you that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to give "birth" to a child-because I didn't want to give up doing ME and living the FABULOUS LIFE that I've lived in my almost 15 years here in the Big Apple (I especially didn't want a child without a Husband). I thought ok-maybe if I'm not married at 42-I will adopt a child. I knew I had a lot of love to give, and adopting a child would've been a good thing to do. I also knew that having a child was one of the biggest responsibilities anyone could have in this lifetime. I didn't want to "screw" it up -and yes I didn't want to be a "Selfish Mommy" who couldn't put her child first because she didn't know who she was and hadn't lived her own life before she had to live for her Child-that is how I see Parenting. Oh well-no sense crying over "spilled milk" as they say.

Let me give you a glimpse of what I mean by Fabulous-I have dined with Captains and Leaders of Corporate America and Heads of State at the ELC (Executive Leadership Conference) and at Bill Clinton's 2nd Inauguration to Obama's first. I've partied with Music Moguls like "Sean Combs" when he was still calling himself "Puffy" and he threw some of the HOTTEST parties of all time back in early 2000/late 90's -I was right there on top of the tables with them! I remember going to Aaliyas last Album Release and Puffy-now known as Diddy's- 35 Birthday party on the arms of a cast member from "The Wire". I remember being at Beyonce's 25th at 40/40 NYC. I was at Alicia Keys debut album party at Niketown, I've been to Film Premieres and walked the red carpet-remember Brown Sugar??? (That is still a Favorite and a classic, and I rubbed elbows with Taye Diggs and the cast). I remember being at Musiq Soulchild's album debut party and actually standing next to Jay-Z and having a conversation-he was MAD COOL-I knew even then he was destined to be great. I have partied on tops of tables with my Bosses on Tuesday's nights at Joe's Pub-where I first saw John Legend-who was then John Stephens-play with a full ensemble right before he got his deal. I did Monday nights at the Cheetah club when it was hot and Keyshawn was with the JETS! Hell I remember seeing Fat Joe up in the club getting his BARE belly rubbed. (Much Respect to the Dead -but I tell you that was NOT a pretty sight!) I have attended a private birthday bash for Stevie Wonder -where he graced us with song. I was at Ne-Yo's Champagne life party where we sipped Moet Rose until champagne was coming out our noses -and yes for 4 years was in the VIP backstage at ESSENCE Music Festival and have made some pretty great contacts and exchanged numbers with more than a few well-known hearthrobs! : ) BUT NOTHING, AND I DO MEAN NOTHING -TOPS THE NIGHT I MET MAXWELL. I met him backstage at Radio City (Pretty Wings Tour) -where he kissed my HAND AND TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL!! SWOOOOON! and later-I SAT NEXT TO HIM IN VIP with none other than...WAIT FOR IT....PRINCE!!!!!-MY ALL-TIME MUSIC IDOL!!! (I seriously died that night). That's what I call a NEW YORK MINUTE FOLKS! You never know what will happen but sometimes it happens just because you are here and in the right place at the right time!!!

You get the picture??? I've traveled all over the USA, the Caribbean and been to Europe and have stayed at some of the finest Hotels and Spas. I love to travel and I have an ADVENTURER'S Spirit! I'm a Skiier who has been to MANY an NBS (National Brotherhood of Skiers) Summit. Even in my last job, I regularly wined and dined clients at 4 star and 5 star restaurants with my Corporate Amex. I can tell you there have been consecutive years where I would never make it home before 10pm on ANY WEEKNIGHT , and I have had my share of 3Am-4am nights on a weekday when I still had to get up and be at work at 9am. WORK HARD/PLAY HARD-it's always been a motto. Also, that's just a way of life we lead here in NYC- especially those of us in Media, Entertainment and the Arts. You can't impress us with a party-we've seen it all and done it all!

Soooo ...I say all that to get you to understand, the significance of my DRASTIC life change-bought on by Pregnancy. I am home most of my days now since I'm not working. When I do go out, I'm home by 9pm-if I get in at 11pm-Mercy on me-because if you see me I'm walking down the street as if I have lead in my shoes and I'm trying to keep my behind from falling over from sheer exhaustion! My evenings are now planned with what's on TV. Countless marathons of various reality shows on Bravo, Style, E, WeTV and the Food Network are now my poison of choice! Oh-did I mention I was a VERY SOCIAL Drinker???( Those who know me know I could kill a bottle of Goose or Ketel One all by myself , and I'm a self-proclaimed bartender who mixes a mean cocktail and throws a hell of a party too!) Those days are LOONG GONE-I haven't had a SIP of alcohol since the day I found out! I hear CRICKETS on the regular in the house-as I have full conversations with my cat Hunter and expect a response back. The worst of it is, I'm tired but my Pregnant body won't let me sleep for more than 4 hours cuz I gotta get up and go pee and then I can't get back to sleep!!

I have no one here to rub my belly, to cook me food, or to talk to. It is lonely-and for an extrovert like me who loves to be around people-it is sometimes depressing. However, I feel that at 40-it's time, and not only that-this is God's time to work on me. It's Time to slow down, Time to think about different priorities-Time to be a Mom. I have never thought it sexy to be the "old chick" or "dude" in the club. All that time partying and living a "Lifestyle" never swayed me from what I deemed was truly important-and that was Love and Family. I dreadfully feared turning 40 and not being married. I cried when I was graduating Howard and was not married at 21-silly right?? Who knew? Despite my worries, I turned this life into a Fabulous Life-and I lived for the moment and in the Present. Now, I can't wait for these next moments-the new transition of being a Mom and living for my Child. I've lived for Me-and I won't stop living for me because My Baby will have a passport and live fabulously right next to Momma. The real party, and the real journey-is just about to begin.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Oh My God the Scale says What???

So I promised I would be a bit more lighthearted with my future blog posts-starting now.

Well, I must admit one of my MAJOR FEARS about being Pregnant was weight gain. I have ALWAYS been conscious about my weight-I mean from the time I was in Elementary school. As a child, although I lived in the hood in Detroit, MI-my parents always made sure we went to Private schools as Education was key. I was in Catholic Schools for the better part of Elementary and Junior High. As a result, I was often the ONLY little black girl in class or one of maybe 3 AA children in total... so my body image was formed by being around Becky, Melissa or Emily-in other words thin White Girls and being fat was a Cardinal Sin! By the time I was 12 or 13, I sufficiently developed a serious body complex as I was always the biggest one in class and the first one to have "developed". At my smallest, I was a size 8 and that was for a HALF A YEAR as a Senior in High School.

Considering my lifelong love/hate relationships with weight, I made a pact to myself and whoever would listen, that BEFORE or IF I ever DECIDED to get pregnant-I would lose 25 lbs first. There go those plans...God's laughing at me -AGAIN.

Fast forward, please understand I've come to terms with my curvalicious, thick-thighs, small waist, big boobs and decent size rump over the years. I'm a healthy size 12 and proud of it! At my smallest, I'm a size 10 and at my largest I've been a size 16 at over 200lbs -GASP! From Nov.-April 2009, I lost nearly 40 lbs and got down to my skinny size 10-and could wear some size 8's!! I celebrated A LOT! Near the end of 2010 with my crazy, insane, high-pressure gig-I had put on almost 30 of it back on and couldn't lose it for ANYTHING. So... I made another resolution with myself -I would lose 40 for my 40th bday by April.

Well.... I left my job at the end of April-right before my birthday-and with all the stress, the weight still hadn't come off-surprise, surprise! Even after dieting, working out at least 3X/week (I had got up to 3 miles on the treadmill) and against my better judgement coming off the hormones at the advice of a Dr. -BIG MISTAKE! I figured with my time off I could work out 2X/day and by July -drop 20lbs. Well, little did I know-I was already pregnant. HAHAH -THE JOKE'S ON ME!!

I kid you not, I cried because my first thought was -OH MY GOD I'M GONNA BE HUGE! Not to mention how super body conscious my now EX BF was. He was constantly on my behind about losing weight and how Fat I was...(He was always toxic about that). I had long ago told him if he didn't like it he could hit the road-but he didn't. Anyway, the first time I went to the Dr. and stepped on the scale -I thought OH JESUS LORD WHY ME??? I had a glimpse of hope in the first trimester when I got the flu, immediately followed by crazy morning sickness -so I lost about 10lbs from not eating but that was short-lived, because as soon as the appetite came back-and it came back with a vengeance-that 10lbs came right back + some!

The last time I went to the Dr.-I was about 18 weeks-I stepped on the scale and nearly fainted! WELLLL over 200 lbs and I'm like Lord help me! I loudly MOANED-OH LAWD!!! The nurse was like-"OH LAWD WHAT?? YOU PREGNANT! " REALITY CHECK! The funny thing is I'm still wearing regular clothes at 21 weeks (5 months) and I'm wearing a large or a size 14. People who don't know me can't tell that I'm pregnant because there is no big belly yet-I've gained weight EVERYWHERE else though trust me. I had an interview and the only thing I had that was appropriate was a size 14 suit-so I put it on and trooped into the city on the train-the whole time gasping for breath, buttoning and unbuttoning my pants, going lightheaded from the tightness! I had to take a breath before I could make it up the stairs onto the street!! Why did I have to unbutton my pants, bend over, gasp for air, sweat beads rolling all down my face and head -just to keep myself from fainting??!! I totally sweat out my hair before I could get to the interview! Needless to say right after the interview, I took my butt to Old Navy and bought something cheap and cute for me to slip on and walk in comfortably without risk of popping a blood vessel for the rest of the day!

Well anyway, life goes on right? I'm carrying a Baby-so I have to let all those insecurities go. I still try to be healthy. I do work out at least 3X a week, and I try to eat healthy most of the time (but when Burger King calls my name-I go get that Burger and don't even trip on it!) I admit, it feels good for my ego to still get hit on by Cuties :). I've had several mouth-dropping incidents when I've told Men that I was 5 months pregnant-I mean I may be a little extra-but the thickness and the "GIRLS" (I MEAN BOOBIES) are WORKING IT HONEY! So I guess that's a perk!

At the end of the day, the ultimate PERK is the life I'm growing inside me. There is nothing like the Joy I feel when I feel that little life moving inside of me! He/she moves all the time-and ESPECIALLY when I eat -so I bet my little one will have that Love affair with food like me! :) I'm so thankful for this blessing . I'm big, beautiful and Pregnant-head held high and happily awaiting the big, baby belly that is surely coming soon!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Courage

"Sometimes courage skips a Generation"-quote from "The Help".

I began this post with the above quote from "The Help" as one of the central themes in the movie was Courage. I was inspired, as it was courage that has led me to my current standing in this world on my Journey to Motherhood and being a Single Mom.

I need to preface this by saying, I never dreamed I would be in this place. I just turned 40, and had been waiting for the "ideal" situation to have a family. The picture I had in my head was to be married to a loving Man, then have a baby, and live in the house with the white picket fence and 2 pets. I waited all my adult life for this "perfect" situation. It is said that we make plans and God laughs-well he has been laughing at me for quite some time. The one man that I wanted all those things with-didn't want those things with me, so I suffered a heartbreaking, painful break-up and decided to pick up the pieces of me and keep it moving after 3 years of life. Single again at 37. Oh well. Was my dream ever going to happen? Finally, after much soul-searching and growth-I was good, and at 39 met another 39 year old, single, never-married, educated Man who seemed to have the same vision and values as me. The irony of it all-he knew my Ex-who is now happily married with a Baby. I figured if they were friends-he had to be a good guy right? How wrong was I.

I don't want to bash him but this blog is about Courage-and the courage to tell the truth. In 3 words, I can describe my Child's Father as: Cold. Mean. Unloving. He was not the Man who painted the picture of himself as Godfearing, stable, ready to settle down and responsible. In fact, he was the opposite of all the above. He studied the Bible-but didn't live the principles the Bible teaches. This Man who often said "I don't know if I love my own Mother", certainly didn't or couldn't love me. He was perfectly fine freeloading off of me and regularly asked me for money. He wouldn't contribute to the household-no money on rent or utilities- and he wouldn't even spend a dime on groceries. He did the dishes during the day while I was at work-and that was about all I could expect. He became threatened when I left my job and the Gravy Train was drying up. I didn't find out I was Pregnant until after I left my job-I was almost 7 weeks! He became more hostile the minute I told him. The day I told him, he said "by who"-the words every woman dreams of hearing from her BF in that situation. He frequently told me "Good thing your chubby because no one will know your pregnant" and he wouldn't marry me anyway -"because at my present weight I was disgusting and he didn't want to be embarrassed by his friends". I was at risk of miscarriage and the Doctor told me to take it easy, my now EX-BF told me "to get my Lazy ass off the couch and get a job" though-so no sympathy there. Mind you, he ran a so-called business that he worked on for a about an hour/day-the rest of his time was spent working out and playing video games. The last straw was the night he called me a "fat ass B" and I was terrified he would hit me. I called the cops and he was removed. I was 4 months at that time.

I did see signs, so yes, it shouldn't have gotten that far; I was ready to leave in February-we had only been dating since November, but I was in the frying pan at work-dealing with a whole other type of drama-so I didn't have the energy to face what was happening at home. I buried my head in the sand and hoped and prayed it would get better and he would do all the things he was promising to do-but it only got worse.

Some of you will judge me for being so open. Some of you will not believe me. Some of you will say it takes two, but as I noted, this is about Courage: The courage to write this Blog; the courage it took to leave a job that was miserable and threatened my very sanity; and the courage to leave an unhealthy, toxic Man despite having a Baby on the way and being unemployed, because he also threatened my sanity, my health and the health of my unborn child.

Finally, this is the courage to have a baby. The courage to become a Mother in less than my "ideal situation". The courage to have this child while I'm alone without any emotional and financial support from the Father". I know I'm not the only Woman in the world to have this situation, but you must understand-I NEVER wanted to be a Single Mom, I never wanted to have a Baby at any cost. I always wanted Love and a Family-my ideal of a family. My parents have been married 43 years-that was the example I had. Once again-we make plans and God laughs. I apologize to every Single Mom I ever judged-because at this moment and at the moment I knew I was pregnant- I knew that this Child is a Blessing. A friend said "all the love you need is right there in your Belly"..and I knew it to be true. I am thankful. I am blessed. I will admit I was scared and not happy about the prospect of doing this alone, but once again, I had the courage to walk-away from a dysfunctional relationship and not subject my child to a toxic situation. I need my Child to see me loved -and to know that he/she is loved-those are the most important things. So I've accepted these transitions-all the while believing in earnest and trusting that God has a plan for me-and my Baby. I just have the courage to keep it moving for the two of us.