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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ready, Set, GO!!

Hi People,

First I must say thank you to all the wonderful advice, comments and encouragement on my last post.   You all were very helpful to me.

With that noted,  I have to keep this one short!    I think I may be going into Labor as I'm typing this.  I'm feeling some contractions (I think) at least every 10 minutes.    I'm so excited!   (and scared).   It's December 31, New Years Eve-hopefully that makes me a contender for having the First Baby of the New Year!  I told Her she should try to come today!

It's funny how God works.   I have been MISERABLE this last week-due to the physical discomfort.   It's been to the point where I am like -get this Baby out of me!   But I had no real indication that she was coming as my last two Dr. Appointments-one as recent as yesterday-confirmed that I wasn't even dilated yet.    So all week, I had been worried about my Mom getting here in time, but than according to what the Dr. said-I probably was going to go to my date -Jan. 2nd -or even later.   That news was discouraging-only because I'm feeling so ready for Her to be here and so physically uncomfortable-it was wearing on me.

So, I called my Mom after yesterday's Dr. appt. and told her the news.  She's past 70 so I didn't want her driving up here in haste.  I told her she may as well not rush.   But guess what?  She came anyway and I can only be Thankful to God, because I started feeling a semblance of something like cramps last night which I now think were contractions.

What has been my theme for this blog?  Well the central theme is that We Make Plans and God laughs!  I know he's laughing at me right now and at the same time, He has shown me mercy and grace by answering my Prayers.

My Mom tried to calm me down earlier this week when I started crying hysterically about possibly  being alone when I go into Labor, and then she said I was a "strong woman"!  God if I had a nickel, a penny, freak it -a Dollar for every time I have heard that -I would be FILTHY RICH right now.   It's true, I'm strong, smart, resourceful and independent, but that doesn't mean I don't need people.  I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, I need and long for a partner to walk this path with me, I need to know I'm loved and I have support from those in my circle.  I need to know when I call, someone will answer.    Well I know that God answers...he hears my call even if no-one else does.     I'm so thankful that Mom is here and I'm so thankful for my gracious friends & Sorors-who I think have been Angels-sent to help through this time.

 It is has been difficult-being alone and not having support -with none at all from the Baby's Father and I don't wish this situation on anyone and I really never planned (there goes that word plan) to be in this type of situation, but again, God knew what I could bear -even when I didn't know.   Let's be clear, I decided to have this Child even though I knew the relationship wasn't working-He wasn't right AT all and I knew I had to end it.  However, this Baby was a gift and I decided to have Faith and trust that although She wasn't my plan -at this time, with this Man-She was a part of God's plan..and I'm so very thankful!   I don't regret my decision to be Her Mom. 

God Bless my Friends-hopefully, I'm off to the hospital soon and this is the Real McCoy and I'm not just having Braxton Hicks contractions! LOL.   Y'all would be really mad at the fake out!  :)

Love you and please pray for me and the Baby!

XOXO,

Dayna

Friday, December 23, 2011

Questions.

Hello my Friends!    

So I can't sleep with anticipation and the fact that I keep dreaming about my Baby Girl!  It's about 10 days to go until her due date -and I'm so ready for Her!   I'm excited and scared and of course, I have a LOT on my mind!   Principally, LOTS of Questions!!     

I have one in particular that has really been unsettling for me and I've been grappling with it for months. 

"Should I call my Child's Father when I'm going into Labor & Delivery?". 

That should be a simple one right?   I'm a Christian so that answer should be easy, right?    Let me tell you why it isn't-briefly.  

1) The Mother of my Child's Father (my Baby's paternal Grandmother)  told me that her Son said  I wasn't really pregnant-that the picture I sent of me pregnant was me putting a pillow under my dress. 
2) He hasn't attempted to contact me in any way since I put his freeloading, mean,  lazy behind out of my house in July.
3) He threatened to hit me and I was 4 months pregnant. 
4) He's lied to his close friends, family & associates about the circumstances of My Pregnancy and even denied that I was pregnant.   

To be clear folks, this is a 40 year old man.    The level of ignorance and malice he has shown is startling...and let me be clear,  I gave him absolutely no reason to do any of the above.   It's just who he is. 

So what do I do?   I'm leaning towards not bothering to tell him-he's shown no concern, care or consideration-especially since the moment I found out.   Am I right to just keep it moving?   Am I wrong for not wanting this man around my Child?  Am I wrong to think that I don't trust him to love her?   Should his name even go on the birth certificate, if I'm even able to do so?  Am I wrong to not pursue Child Support because I think he will be vindictive and try to take her or hurt her because he wants to hurt me?   It's being done to innocent children a lot nowadays-just watch the news.   

I have also questioned my process and myself over and over again.  I ask myself:  How did I get Here-I played by all the rules and then they changed?,   Why did He have to be the Father?,  Why did I choose the Men I chose?,  Don't I deserve to have a complete family?, Will there be a positive Male Role model in my Daughter's life?,  Why did I have to do this alone?  If many of us are perfectly honest with ourselves,  I'm sure many a Single Mom, and maybe even a Married Mom may have asked herself these questions too.   

Anyway-I'm sorry to say that these questions are on my mind.  No Woman should have to deal with this-especially when it takes two to make a Baby, but sadly-it happens all the time.     I am just thankful that I can & will do this on my own without his help or interference.   I know it won't be easy, but I don't have a choice and I knew this may be how things would turn out when I decided to have her.  I can only trust in God that all will be alright.    I still have a lot of questions though!  :)

In spite of all the joy, happiness and anticipation...I'm sure I have other questions too that are natural for most Mom's -To-Be.     Like:   What will she look like?  Will she be healthy?   What kind of personality will she have?  What am I gonna do all alone at 3 am feedings?    Will she come on time?   Is it really gonna be as hard as everyone says and what have I gotten myself into?   Will I be able to function with no sleep?   How do I keep her safe from all the troubles in the world?   What about daycare, nannies and hired help-can you really trust anyone with your Baby?  Will I be able to breastfeed successfully (apparently it ain't that easy)?   Is it really ok to go back to work at 3 months?   Will I know what I'm doing?  What will my Parenting style be?   Will I spoil her?   Will she be independent like me?   

It's overwhelming at times.  I can understand why Pregnant women can sometimes be depressed or just cry-this is a lot of responsibility people.  I read the parenting, pregnancy blogs & websites,  and even though there may be two supporting, loving partners-Mommies-To-Be are still sometimes anxious, sad and scared.   I never took this idea of becoming a Mom lightly, and now that it is actually happening-it's like WHOA!    It's a lifetime comittment-you can't quit being a Mommy -EVER.     So many Fathers do just walk away, it's not the same for them as it is for us...whether your married or not.    

At the end of the day, I'm trusting that it's gonna be "Alright-I feel it.  Stand-up it's all-right!  Let nothing block your way cuz it's your day!" -Nuyorican Soul! 

We all have questions, it's natural.    

Please pray for me and the Baby-the next time I write, She will most likely be here.    All of your prayers, comments and notes do help and I'm thankful for the positive encouragement.  

XOXO,
DG


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Epiphany (ies)

"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!  Rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun, three little birds are by my doorstep, singing sweet songs of melodies pure & true, saying this is my message to you...Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!"  -Bob Marley

Hi Everybody!!! I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've had a lot going on, chiefly finishing up my Thesis/Capstone project for Grad School.  I'm so pleased and proud that I turned it in yesterday!  3 long years of hard work while working full-time and its' done!  I was blessed to have this semester with no full-time work-that would've been a LOT with a Baby on the way!  All thanks be to God!  All things work together for the good of them that love the lord! (Romans 8:28)

I'm soooo Happy y'all  to have that weight off my shoulders -the next task BIRTH!  :)  THEN I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO LINE UP WORK! :)   I gotta keep a roof over her head!

So, I've been meaning to write this post for awhile.   One night I was laying in bed, a little sleepless, a bit troubled, wondering about how I got to this place in my life.   I was mourning what I thought I should've had..."First comes Love, then comes marriage, then comes Dayna and the Baby Carriage!"   Y'all know that rhyme-every little girl learns it-it was my dream and it was the way things were supposed to be for me, I never thought anything different.  I still hope for that type of family structure.   So I was thinking about all the CRAP I've been through with Men, and how I could be in a situation with a Man of such ill character-where the Child's Father doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he's having a baby-someone who could just completely absolve himself-without even so much as a phone call in 5 months-after all I did to support Him and his dreams.   Wow.

Let me be clear people, it's not about HIM.  My sadness was about my choices with Him and every other choice I made in the relationship department that took me FURTHER away from that dream of Love & Marriage and the Baby Carriage.   So many of us play victim.  I was a willing participant in these failed relationships, and I had a part to play.    People can hurt us, but  often we HURT ourselves more by not being true to ourselves.  Some of us don't even know what we need-and that's a big problem.   I mean simply that we all have a choice.    We don't have to be unhappy.   So in all this sadness, it happened-the Epiphany.  

I don't remember the circumstance, but I clearly remember my Daddy telling me one day, "Dayna, your a survivor!"   That was probably one of the most profound things he said to me, because until that moment, I often felt like a victim.    Those words came back to me as I was lamenting in bed, and then I realized that all the drama & struggles I've been through, in relationships, with finances, with my Career even-has prepared me for this journey, this Journey of Being a Mommy-all by myself.    Even the circumstances that led me to meeting her Father and now having this Baby were drama-but this was  meant for me.  Meant for me to experience this joy that IS my BABY.    That's why in ALL THINGS, even in the valleys-you give Thanks-because I believe there is a greater plan at work that is not mine.

Now after finishing this Thesis, and even pulling a 24 hour no-sleep shift at almost 9 months pregnant, I know I can do anything!!   That is BIG folks, because you must understand,  BEING A SINGLE MOM WAS PROBABLY ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS!    I never wanted to do this alone, BUT more importantly, I didn't think I could!    This is the EPIPHANY-I can and I WILL, and I'm gonna be a damn good Mommy!   All those struggles were preparation for THIS TIME and this wonderful WORK of being a Mother and molding and shaping the Life of another Human Being.  It's the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!   This is NOT going to be Easy-but I can do it!  The EPIPHANY is that  I've overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life -that I now know I can do this!  AND Yes-all by myself-I can do this.    

A few years ago, after taking the Landmark Forum,  I wrote down many possibilities that I wanted for my life.  One of them was to live fearlessly.  I must say, I have manifested that possibility into being over the last couple of years.   The choice to have my little Girl is living fearlessly for me.    We can't live in Fear folks.  Fear of what people think, fear of what we think we can't handle, fear of being alone,  any kind of fear.    I thankfully, have a lot of spiritual faith that helps me to get beyond my Fears.     I simply trust that God has a purpose for me and my life and what will be will be-so I've learned to move more freely over the years.   Having this Baby is a result of being "FREED FROM THE FEAR" .    Epiphany.    I'm not sad, I'm thankful for the Blessing that is her, but also because I'm truly FREE now.

All this aloneness has given me clarity.   Being alone hasn't been so bad-I've always feared it, but most often, I am alone.   There's no "Crew" of men and women around me.   I have people I can call on and people that just step-up, but it's been just Me through this whole pregnancy and just me dealing with my own struggles.   I have learned that I can handle it all.   God has been preparing me for all that is to come.  If I can do this, I can be a Mother-all on my own.  The beauty of it is this-after she is here, I won't ever be lonely again-at least not until she is 21! :)

"Yes I was burned, but I called it a Lesson Learned.  The stake overturned so I called it a Lesson Learned, my SOUL has returned so I called it a Lesson Learned"  that one is by Alicia Keys, a favorite when I truly had my heart broken...but I even knew then-it was a LESSON LEARNED.  

I'm learning the lessons people.     Epiphany.    Baby Girl is the fruit of the Lessons Learned-as MUCH as she is a Blessing.  She will be my Teacher too.   Epiphany.  

XOXO,

Love Dayna