"Too much on my mind, Too much on my mind...Maybe right now I can't see the forest for the trees, so lost behind hurt, BUT I'M TRYING EVERYDAY EXPONENTIALLY TO MOVE FORWARD.....BUT When I wake up, everything I went through will be Beautiful, when I wake up, and I will wake up -IT'S GONNA BE BEAUTIFUL :)" Ms. Jill Scott
Can I just say, Jill Scott is officially now my FAV female artist...there is not a song she has sung, written, etc. that I don't FEEL. My Soul Sista-like Wendy Williams would say, "She's a Friend in my Head!".
Hi Y'all! I'm up at 5am -been up since about 4am-this is par for the course nowadays...partially cuz little one wakes me and also because I have "too much on my mind".
So I now begin with a few words of thought. Perception is everything -so you have heard, right? Well, perception has largely to do with your perspective-how you view things or your outlook on life, etc. For example, if your perspective on life is that people are shady, you can't trust anyone, people are out to "hurt you" or to "get you", and everyone lies-than how you PERCEIVE things and actions is based largely on your perspective. True, facts are facts-but even the facts can skew one way or the other based on your outlook. In short, if you are shady and you believe folks are shady-you will perceive things in a negative light. Conversely, if your outlook or perspective is positive, than you will perceive things as positive most likely.
I can't control people's perceptions on this blog, but I'm gonna keep it real and keep it 100 about how I'm perceiving pregnancy to be so far. :)
First of all, I don't understand those women that say Pregnancy is beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving that I will be a Mom-but the 9 months of drastic, unpredictable change to your body-I can do without! LOL. There is sooooooo much that happens to you! I'm looking at my Mommy friends a little cross-eyed now, like "GIRL, why didn't you TELL ME ABOUT THIS???!!" I mean damn is it some big secret-help a Sister out! One of my Girlfriends said at her shower--"Umm there's a lot of things people didn't tell me" If that ain't the freaking understatement of the year.
So, I understand pregnancy is different for everyone in spite of the common symptoms we all may have, but I'm about to drop dime on a few doozeys! I know a lot of Men are checking this so you may or may not be shocked. It may even be a little TMI for you...but maybe it will help you when/if your Girlfiend or Wife are undergoing this experience and your looking at her like -"WTH? She's gone batty and we need an exorcist stat!" You really have to cut us some slack fellas!
So-the first uncomfortable thing, or probably the most is what I call "Golden Showers-redefined" Ok, the pregnancy blogs and boards call it a SNISS-that means SNEEZE + PEE folks. Yes, oh yes.. Kegel exercises (or your lack thereof) have never been more important Ladies. Yes, every time I sneeze or laugh, I seem to pee on myself a little. Who knew I would have to feel like I need to walk around with Depends???? My God I did not know I had signed up for this! Additionally, because congestion, sneezing and runny noses are also a side effect of pregnancy, (which I happen to suffer from), the problem is compounded! So I'm SNISSing all damn day. Sigh.
What else, hmm..the INCESSANT heartburn. Yeah, I feel like I have a flamethrower in my chest/stomach daily. And since nothing is ever THAT simple with me, it only exacerbates my pre-existing acid reflux...so lately on top of any nausea I may have got over in the first trimester, I'm throwing up in my mouth all day-yuck. No kissing for me anytime soon!! LOL. The only good thing about that is the pregnancy manuals suggest that lots of heartburn is a sign of a lot of hair! Well, at this rate I'm feeling like my Baby Girl will be Rapunzel!!
And oh yeah, MY FEET ACHE ALL THE TIME! The TRAGEDY of this -is that I'm told my feet may be growing...Oh Good God I almost fainted when I heard this...my feet growing at 40?? Ladies, I'm sure you can sympathize with me...those of you who know me know I have a NICE shoe collection and I have a DEEP affinity for Jimmy Choo!! I mean are you telling me that I won't be able to wear my size 40 (9) Jimmy Choos, my LaBoutins, my Fendi and my Stuart Weitzman's ?? Oh Hell No!!! NEXT...
So all of my life I have been a Migraine sufferer. Sadly, headaches are a common side effect of pregnancy too. People who know about Migraines, know they are TERRIBLY painful and can be really severe...the only thing that helps some people, like myself, is prescription medicine or in my case Excedrin Migraine, BUT, you can't take those as a pregnant woman. So, if a pregnancy headache comes and I don't stop it early with Tylenol (which tends to be useless on me)...then I have the potential to deal with a 2, 3, 4 day headache. One time it was a WEEK! Oh my God, I can't tell you what it felt like, except in Greek Mythology, where Athena, daughter of Zeus, is born from his HEAD-and that's what it literally feels like-like I'm giving birth from my HEAD!
Another one I almost forgot, is that I'm HOT ALL THE TIME. I feel like there is a furnace inside me! If I have to go anywhere and look decent, I have to leave the pin curls in my hair until I get to the train, bus or car-or else I'm gonna sweat it out before I get to my destination. I feel like I'm going to catch fire at any minute! So yes, I'm breaking out in a sweat any time, any where...combustible explosion coming on folks-back away carefully!!
Well, there are many more I could talk about, but the one that blows my mind the most is FEELING her Move. The first time it was this cute little flutter...I was like "Ooooh, I really feel butterflies in my stomach!" Now at 6 months....it literally reminds me of the movie "Aliens". LOL. It is truly freaky, I feel her turning, kicking and punching, but it is really good...it gives me a sense of comfort that she is ok! I spend time watching my stomach jump and move...it is really trippy, but I get a kick out of it-literally! Haha! Times like those I talk to her. She kicks me in my Bladder a lot though-and thus there goes that involuntary pissing feeling!! LOL. Geez, what can I say...at least she's active. I have heard friends tell me they have been kicked in the ribs, and some have seen bruises form on their bellies as the baby gets bigger and is kicking harder-OUCH!
So folks, it all comes down to my perspective on all this and how I'm perceiving things. I guess women maybe don't talk about it as much because their friends are disinterested, maybe they are embarrassed, or some just think it best to keep it private...OR maybe once that little bundle is here...all you can think about is the JOY that this new little life, of which you are the caretaker of, brings.
I saw I Don't Know How She Does It with SJP and there was a character in the movie that detested the whole idea of kids and marriage and pregnancy. I won't spoil it for those who want to see it..but her Perspective changed.
In the end, it all boils down to that although this may be 9 months of uncomfortable bodily changes, I will have a Lifetime of happiness through experiencing the Joy of Motherhood. I can't wait to meet Her! In all things, "Give Thanks". I am so thankful God blessed me with Her. "When I wake up, she's gonna be Beautiful!
Mommies, what were some of the crazy side effects you had and what did you do to "cure" or control them??? help a Sister out!
Monday, September 12, 2011
"No matter where I live, despite the things I give ...you'll always be this way..so go head and Hate on Me Hater, Now or Later-cuz I'm gonna do me, you be mad Baby!!! ...You can't hate on me, cuz my Mind is Free, Feel my Destiny, So shall it BE!"-Ms. Jill Scott
Now we take a break from our regularly scheduled programming ..because I gotta "runtelldat" for a minute. Yeah-I said it!! LOL.
When people think the chips are down, they really show their "arses". There have been a lot of things said and done that really have helped me to evaluate who my "true" friends are in my present situation, and the people that I can trust. To quote the Preacher in his Sunday Sermon this past Sunday.. "There is no Product with the Promise" ...meaning people are doing "False Advertising". The sermon, based on 1st John 3:16 (not to be confused with John 3:16) was about a love supreme. Folks today are talking about having a love supreme but the love within them is missing" so in other words...we are advertising but we don't have the Product to back it up!
Let me give you an illustration. My Child's Father is somewhat of a Religious Zealot. At first, I thought wow, a Man who reads the Bible everyday, quotes the scriptures..he's gotta be righteous. NOT. Instead of working or looking for a job, he would sometimes spend his time locked up in my spare room for 8 hours, 24 hours and even a 48 hour Bible Study sessions on the computer with Preachers -with only bathroom, sleep and food breaks.. He would barely talk to me and then when he came out of the room would say "What's for Dinner?" Huh??? Every church I took him too...he blasted the Ministers and said these churches aren't preaching the right things and I'm not going to any of them-All of these people think they are going to Heaven by Tithing but they are going to Hell!"
In the meantime, he had no problem being verbally abusive to Me and his Mother, completely disrespectful and just downright mean. I would question him about how could he study the Bible so much and not live the Principles? Something was off there!! He prided himself on never smoking or drinking-so I guess that would get him into heaven. The kicker was this self-righteous, bible zealot actually lied to people the day after I put him out...and told HIS FRIENDS & MUTUAL FRIENDS -that I hid my pregnancy from him for months and that when he found out..he begged me to be involved! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Ok-so maybe he's crazy and that was not a shocker..but what happened after was. You see...he was providing a product-with no Promise.
One so called friend actually called Me to question what this man had told her. This is someone I had known for 10 years and even though she "showed me her arse" several times-I always forgave her and no matter what drama she would pull me into...I would have her back. She knew my Child's Father for not even 10 months, but became mad at me when I told her he is not to be trusted and there were some pretty ugly things he said about her...she basically told me off, "unfriended me" but NOT after she became friends with my Baby Father and now EX on FB. She was offering a Product with no Promise-that is NOT what I call a true friend.
Another friend really broke my heart...someone I considered to be very close to me. Someone I always tried to be there for, even when she used me as her punching bag. Ironically, this same person wrote something recently about compassion -and all I could do was think really?? What does she know because she didn't show me an ounce of it. Not even a phone call after I had to put that Man out or when my I was going through pure hell at work. When I got promoted, instead of congratulations-she said, "Why-what does that mean for everyone else?". When I told her I was in a relationship with my Child's Father, she literally started CRYING. She had recently gone through a breakup and she said it was because she didn't want to see me get hurt. When I told her I was pregnant...BLANK STARE. No congratulations, no reassuring words like "don't worry Sis, in spite of what your going through-things will be fine, it's a blessing!". Nope -not quite reactions I would have hoped for from a "friend". You see, she also was advertising the "Product with no Promise".
If there is one characteristic you could use to describe me...it is LOYAL. I'm loyal to a fault and to my own damn detriment. People that should get cut off don't get cut off soon enough sometimes and I staunchly defend those I consider my peeps when everybody else is calling them "Stank ass Hoes, Phony, and Backstabbing Bitches." I stay with Men maybe longer than I should and I maybe do more than I should because I am the "Stand by your Man and proverbial Ride or Die woman" I am also the person that as your "friend" will sometimes tell you the things you don't really want to hear...but it is done from a place of love because I want to protect you. Being in my situation, has really opened my eyes. Something really has happened to the "LOVE" in people.
Another thing I have to note is that "Silence" is NOT always Golden. Silence is sometimes a Killer as the Pastor said. "To say something, is an act of Love". One mutual friend of both me and my Child's Father told me "he didn't want to know about all that and he was giving that man the benefit of the doubt...and furthermore, no one was really concerned about what had happened..they just wanted the best for the Child!" Really??? Not what I expect from the "Morehouse Men" and best friends of this man who abandoned all of his responsibility. What happened to holding people accountable for their actions? I'm not perfect, but I told him "you know me and you know I'm a good woman and no matter what has happened between people, no Woman deserves this kind of treatment." And Brothers wonder why Sisters are so bitter sometimes??? Maybe if you held each other accountable....they wouldn't think it was ok to do such rotten shit...but no..."it's not your business.". I'm sorry, but that's not love-you are not helping your friends by keeping your Mouths shut if you care.
Lastly, someone said to me, "maybe the right people are not reading your blog and your just giving them more fodder for gossip". To that I say.."Go ahead and Hate on Me Haters"! . Yes you can keep reading the blog! If I gave a shit about what anyone thought, I wouldn't have wrote it. Furthermore, if your "MAD" because you feel I should've TOLD U certain information...ponder on why I didn't...maybe it was because "I didn't feel the LOVE!" ...you know who you are.
And to those of you who can call me when you want something...like a business contact, a hook-up, or a reference, but you don't even pick up the phone to ask "how are you honey..Is there anything you need?" or just to say "Hi D" -I got your number now! All Product and NO PROMISE.
At this time, I have to now concentrate on giving that PRODUCT WITH A PROMISE and that SUPREME LOVE to my Baby Girl.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming...Until next time!