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Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Unpredictable

"For the way you changed my plans...for the way u took the idea that I had of everything that I wanted to have and made me see there was something missing.. your the Best thing I never knew I needed! And now it's so clear, I need you hear always"  Ne-Yo

Ouch!!!!   Again....I am screaming loudly this time....OUCH!!!!!   Lord, have mercy on my body!  I haven't been able to walk straight for almost 2 weeks or get up from a chair without feeling real pain.

My pelvic bones are stretching ..or something like that...AND IT HURTS!!   Who knew???  One girlfriend did say she had the exact problem I'm having so I didn't panic when it started, but she had it even worse than me as she literally had to have help to walk.    I told my Dr. and all she said is "uh-huh-that sometimes happens" Really ?????-that's all I get???    On top of the heartburn and acid reflux..most days my body feels really beat up-but the Dr. says BABY GIRL is fine.    She's moving all the time...and giving me more forceful kicks and punches now...I can tell you it sometimes hurts too-especially when she's dancing on my bladder.

To quote a friend folks..."Pregnancy is no Joke!".    Honestly, I am telling you right now..I am in pain and very uncomfortable...I really know now that if you haven't carried a Baby for 9 truly may not be able to understand or empathize how we feel.   I mean this blog is candid and know it's not always been pretty, because my experience hasn't all been pretty, so I'm hitting you with the REAL TRUTH as it is for me.  Of course, every Pregnancy is different and if we did know half the stuff that could happen...I'm sure there would be few folks who would say "NO THANKS!"  I guess it all started with that damn apple in the Garden-thanks EVE! LOL

Ok, so I have to admit, I am a little bit stressed and worried, anyone who says don't worry -is not being realistic!  I saw the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon interview on 20/20...and I can cosign on what Mariah said.. "There's nothing that could have prepared me for what happened to my body" (I'm paraphrasing of course).   I was like Hallelujia-somebody else understands-and she was carrying Twins!  Like Mariah, I had to be on Projesterone until I was about 15 weeks because I was at risk of a miscarriage and it was difficult in the beginning.   It's the things they don't tell you about that really throw you for a loop.    Some of the things you experience are simply UNPREDICTABLE.

Again, it is totally unrealistic for people who have never been Pregnant to say "Don't Worry, Be Happy"..especially when you feel some kind of miserable most of the time-the physcial stress does take a toll.   Being Pregnant is not always like the cartoons depict, you know, like the image of Snow White as she's dancing in the woods, birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and all the cute little animals are singing with her??? Nosiree!!  That is pure Fantasy!!   Not to mention, I can't even watch my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice and see some Baby or Child with an impossible medical situation and as a soon to be parent think..."Oh No...what if that happened to my Child?"  One of the characters, Sam, on Private Practice confessed that he didn't want to have another child because he was scared to death all the time as a parent because of all the things that could have happened to his daughter Maya.   I can relate.   Hell, I can't even watch the news anymore-it's scary!

I went to a newborn care and breastfeeding class recently, and it was helpful, but very overwhelming -there is so much to know!  It's natural to have fears...and I can understand why.  You want to PROTECT your Children from everything, but you can't CONTROL everything-some things are just UNPREDICTABLE-you just have to put it in God's Hands!

On top of all this, I'm writing my thesis  so I can Graduate with my Masters in December, and I'm working part-time.  It's a lot!  I'm thankful I'm not working full-time-I don't know if I could have done it-not with the physical issues I've had.  Just recently, my Dr. tells me she is leaving the Practice-and I'm now in my 3rd Trimester-she won't even deliver my Baby. Seriously!!!  Also, a crazy chick has been harassing me with mean text messages and even physically tried to provoke me in public.   I can say I've got more than 1 nasty text from her-that is stressful.     It's easy for people to say ignore that kind of thing and just be happy, but it's kind of hard when craziness knocks at your front door and engages you directly-especially when you are already emotional.  

Folks, if you heard the saying don't anger a Pregnant woman-really, trust that!!   You've heard   "Hell hath no fury like a woman Scorned"  I'm telling you HELL AIN'T NOTHING LIKE PURPOSELY angering a Pregnant Woman.   I mean on top of ALL THE PHYSICAL STRESS, there is definitley some EMOTIONAL really, don't start none-it won't be none!!!   LOL!   Truly, with our hormones raging the way they do and all the physical doesn't take much!  I just hope mature people understand that...:) Really, I love MOST of you! :)

To be honest, I'm a Christian, so I really try to live my life and govern my actions by "THE GOLDEN RULE" of Do Unto Others, and I try to be very ZEN-so it's hard for me to comprehend how some people can be heartless, mean, conniving and just downright evil to other folks in any circumstance for no good reason.   I don't process that well.   Also, it shows a total lack of compassion and human decency to engage a Pregnant woman in negative manner with all on her plate..that's the reason Baby Father is gone!  I can't tolerate that negative energy regularly, and especially now.   Like I noted earlier, it's probably very hard for folks to understand if they haven't been through a Pregnancy at all or maybe they just lack compassion?   At the end of the day, I can't control other people, just like you can't control the's UNPREDICTABLE.  All you can do is keep the Faith and believe all will be well.  

So, as I'm sitting here writing because I can't sleep from this pain, please know I do have some perspective...I wrote about that in an earlier post.   I mean, it could be worse!  Some folks have to go on Bed Rest, and some have to be in the Hospital for months to carry their Babies to a point where they are able to be born healthy, some have Gestational Diabetes-like Mariah had-and have to take Insulin and be monitored regularly, some have developmental complications with the Baby in the womb-you never know!  It's UNPREDICTABLE.

Essentially, in spite of my pain, I"m thankful that She's ok and I haven't had any serious issues.   God is really good.   I may have my worries and fears as a Parent to be-it's natural.  I may have some PHYSICAL pains now and I may even have had EMOTIONAL pain.  I may experience pain when she's born...AND I DON'T KNOW everything NOR can I CONTROL everything and everyone, BUT I'M BLESSED.   This little Girl is a Gift!      I can't wait to meet Her and see what she looks like or what kind of personality she will have-after all, those things are  UNPREDICTABLE too.  :)


Love D!

Saturday, October 15, 2011


"I've got evidence, I've got confidence, I'm a conqueror, I know that I Win.  I know who I am, God wrote it in his plan for me, ooh, ooh, ooh-My Name is Victory!" -Jonathan Nelson

"I know the odds looked stacked against you, and it seems there is no way out.  I know the issue seems unchangeable and that there's no reason to shout.  But the impossible, is God's chance to work a miracle.  So just AIN'T over -until God says its over!  It ain't over until God says it's DONE.  Keep fighting until your victory is won!"- Maurette Brown Clark

81 days to go Folks!   When I first heard I was pregnant-I thought oh God,  this is gonna be an eternity-9 whole months!   My oh my-how time flies!  It's October and she will soon be here in January!    Sure, I'm missing my beloved Howard University Homecoming today, but I can't wait until next year when I have my little Girl with me, and I can proudly call myself her Momma on the Yard next year!!   Go HU! I'm there in spirit!   I desperately need an HU Baby Sweatshirt!!!  

My Beautiful, wonderful NYC/NJ friends threw my Baby Shower last weekend, and it was everything I hoped for!   I even had friends come in from LA and Florida, along with my Family from MD and even Detroit, MI.   I was so thankful!   I felt so loved!   It was all so SURREAL!!!!   Every woman dreams about the day they will get married and the day she will have a Baby, right?   Somehow,  I could never envision what those days would look like for myself, shoot as the years went by and I wasn't married or was not in a relationship with a significant other-I wasn't so sure I would actually birth a child-so standing in front of my friends and loved ones at the Shower, was almost dreamlike for me.   The reality has finally hit-I'm gonna be somebody's Mother!

You know folks, my theme all along has been that in spite of what seems like a "breakdown" -there is always beauty in the breakdown.   It's all about perspective.    I never saw this in my plan for my life-not happening this way-but God is in control-always, and you have to believe that and trust in him.   The last 5 years of my life have been filled with a lot of turmoil, heartbreak, disappointments and stress, and at the same time-I've been able to see just how much I've been blessed!   Even when times seem dark and you don't know how you will get through it all...if you have any kind of spiritual faith, you know that God has your back.   Through it all-I knew I would win.  I knew I would have "the Victory!"   My Child is the Victory.   (Actually that is a pretty great name for her-but alas, I've settled on another uber cool, classy name!)

As I get closer and closer to the due date, I admit I have a bit of trepidation, a bit of worry of how will I get through this by myself,  yet I still have this underlying peace, calm and faith that everything is going to work out just fine-it always has.      Even when I found out I was pregnant and things got progressively worse with her Father-I knew everything would be alright.   And for the record,  since everyone is asking me-no I have not spoken to him since July 11-the day I put him out.  He has not tried to contact me, and I'm not even surprised.  He is too wrapped up in his own sick mind to think about anyone but himself...and honestly, I've had a peaceful pregnancy without his toxic presence.   So don't feel sorry for me, as it is another Blessing from God.   See-it's all about perspective folks.  

Anywhoo,  even for the people that couldn't make the Shower, I'm getting gifts daily-and I'm soooo Thankful!    I'm blessed folks!   In all things give thanks!    I just have to say it here-I love you all-thanks for being supportive and for being a help to me.   I keep positive people around me, and those who are not,  I remove.  It's critical and essential that I'm surrounded with good energy from loving, non-judgemental people for me and my Baby.  I may not see some of you all the time, but thanks for being around when I need you.   I'm living a "Blessed" life.  

At the Shower, I realized once again how many good people are really around me.   My Baby and I are not really alone-there are folks that I can call on.    There are people who wish the best for us.   Love attracts Love -and a Baby is Love.    I'm Grateful.  I'm Thankful.  I'm Loved.   Now all this love that I've had to give will be given to Her...God knew I had it to give, and now He has given me someone to Love the way I've always wanted to Love.. and SHE deserves it.  In the end, it will all come back to Me, from her.  

Be Blessed!