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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sleepless Nights

"Ain't no need to worrying what the night is gonna bring-it will be all over in the morning." Anita Baker & the Winans

"I'm so glad I made It, I experienced loss, at a major cost-but I never lost faith in you.  In spite of calamity, He has a plan for me!" Marvin Sapp

It's 4am folks.  I'm happy to say that I'm not up because my Baby is up at this time-it's just that I have a lot on my mind.  Thankfully, She's only waking up once in the middle of the night now -and not twice. We are making progress!!

There have been so many things that have transpired and I've had no energy or time to write, but it is therapeutic for me, so instead of my worries keeping me up at night, I thought I'd release it this way.

Updates-or should I call them trials & testimonies?
1) My Baby is doing great!!! Thank God.  She growing, She's strong & healthy! She's crawling, trying to walk like a big girl, just got her first tooth and She's babbling and playing like a normal Baby for her age (actually, she's a little advanced!)  She is super intelligent and has a STRONG WILL & Mind! She is one determined Baby!  I have a little Gabby Douglas in the making (Go Sista! Winning that Gold for the U.S!).  But now that she's mobile-this Childproofing thing is a MUST -and is very expensive.  You can't skimp on your Baby's safety!
2) Relocated from NYC to MD.    I miss my Friends and some of my life there-i.e the lifestyle, BUT I couldn't be anymore happier to be near my MOM & Family with their support,  and I'm in an environment that promotes a Family lifestyle.  I must say, I've never felt so single as I do here-everybody in my age group is married with Children. But.. Like attracts like so instead of being around perpetually single people, maybe I increase my chances by being around Couples with Kids.   YES LADIES-Men outside of New York believe it's normal to be married with 1 or more kids at the age of 30!  I always said if I had come back here, I probably would've been married.  The good news is, when I do decide to start dating again, I'm likely to meet Men that are ready to be in committed relationships and have families!
3) New Job.  Yes, I left a high profile 6 figure + job with insane perks.  The positive side is that although I'm making a more modest income & it is a struggle with all the new expenses, I have work-life balance with a flexible work schedule in which I can work from home,  and a SANE Manager who wants to see me succeed!  God works in mysterious ways doesn't he??
4) New Car.  Yes-I got a Mommymobile-but it's cute!  I have increased expenses with the Baby and it's necessary to have a car here both for my Job and for my lifestyle-but I'm thankful for the increased mobility I have-even though it is an expense.
5) Custody fight.  I was really blown away that the Man who didn't want this Baby, or talk to me for the remaining 6 months of my pregnancy is fighting me. Mind you-without NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT except for $600 and a stroller when she was 4 months old.  Instead of supporting His Child & working with me-he sued me and then Hired a Lawyer to protect Himself, when I was the one who allowed him to visit and see her in spite of his aggression and attempt at physical violence towards me.   He doesn't understand that bullying, threats & making selfish demands to get what HE wants at whatever cost,  and that working to Hurt me-Hurts Her-and is not in Her best interest.  He can pay a Lawyer-but he can't send money to help feed & clothe her and pay for her childcare.  Shameful.      I have to spend money on a Lawyer which Hurts me and the Baby, but you know what, I'm trusting that God will work it out-and justice will be served.  I wasn't going to pursue Him for Child Support-but He has forced my Hand.   We could've worked this out if he was mature and rational-but you can't work with Crazy people.(I truly believe he is unstable) Oh well!

So as you can see, I've had a lot of changes.  There are worries that cause me some sleepless nights, in addition to my Baby's nightly feedings, but in the end, the Blessing is in the transitions that have brought me to this place of being a Mommy -in particular, HER MOMMY.  "It's the trials that are building my Testimony!"  

The Blessings is also the pure Joy I have when I see her little face smile at me in the morning.   The Blessing is in the wonder I feel when I see her learn a new skill.  It's  a blessing in the amazement I feel when she demonstrates her strong will and determination to get what she wants.  I can tell already-she is a fighter and a survivor like her Mommy and when she wants something -she will not be deterred!  It's the pure unadulterated happiness I feel when I tickle her and watch her laugh! :)  She's an Amazing, Blessing-a gift to Me and Her Father-even though He doesn't realize that yet.  It's not about Me or Him-but about Her-and She's wonderful!


I'm going to have a sleepless night every once in a while, like most New Parents, but in the darkness and calm of the night-I talk to God-and I watch my Baby sleep-and I thank him for it all and ask Him to Bless us both.

I know I've made it through!



Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Too Many TAMARS!!

Hey Lovelies,

Thank you so much for reading and continuing to give words of support and encouragement, we all need that from time to time and I'm no different.

Sooooo....with that being said, I'm writing this post to clear up a few things for my "Haters" and "Objectors" who continuously read if for no other reason than to throw digs my way and look for more reasons to "dislike"me.   Let me note this one more time....I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK...IF I DID I WOULDN'T BE WRITING A PUBLIC BLOG!  I realize because this is public I've opened myself up to critics-tell me something I don't know!?  I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about ANYTHING  .

I called this post Too Many Tamars because of Tamar Braxton from the Braxtons-Toni Braxton and her Sisters' reality show.  Don't get me wrong-I like Tamar, but she's often inappropriate...meaning, she's loud and wrong- alot!  She voices her opinion when folks didn't really ask -and it's almost always coming from a self-centered place or an insecure place.  I  HAVE A LOT OF TAMARS IN MY LIFE TOO.  Sometimes, the closest people (by blood), are the MEANEST people too.   Just loud and WRONG all the time-thinking they know more than you do and have their own petty jealousies and insecurities that they project on you.   I've experienced some negative reactions from some of the "I've been a Momma lot longer than you types"-and from others.  My Story is not your Story.  We are all responsible for our own path-so don't be MAD at me cause I walk a bit different from you.

Also,  not that I have to explain anything, I just need to make it clear-that I'm all about the protection of my Child.   It's so not about Me!  It's so not about her Father..BUT there are some things that must be told.  I am AFRAID for him to be around Her-especially unsupervised-because I don't TRUST HIM-Can I say it any louder??  Can I write it more emphatically??? I wonder why people don't get that.  I guess they think I'm just being melodramatic.  However, my Child's Father showed His True Colors to me, particularly AFTER I became pregnant, and what I saw was DANGEROUS & UGLY.  How many of you are familiar with Arthur Morgan?    How many of you have heard of Josh Powell?  Google them if you haven't.  There are too many incidences of parental violence on little kids happening today.  It's so hard for me to ignore as a New Mommy who doesn't have a good relationship with my Child's Father.  

Ok-I'm not accusing Him of anything...but I am a bit wary and cautious because of his character.   To be clear....DAMN THE FACT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP DIDN'T WORK-I'M HAPPY TO NOT BE IN IT ANYMORE!  It was a relationship of convenience for both HIM and ME.  I DON'T LOVE HIM, never did -and I'm 150% certain-HE DID NOT LOVE ME.  He misrepresented himself from the beginning, and when I saw signs that things were not right-I didn't end it soon enough. Period.   I'm NOT BITTER.  I'm thankful that it happened because now I have MY DAUGHTER.  Yes, MY Daughter.  He made it clear to me that this was MY CHILD when he first suggested I GO GET AN ABORTION, and Second when I had to have the Police escort him out of MY HOUSE AND HE DIDN'T ATTEMPT ANY CONTACT WITH ME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE PREGNANCY.  

LET ME BE CLEAR TO ALL THE WOMEN OUT THERE....YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN WHO THREATENS YOU WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE-MUCH LESS ONE WHO ACTUALLY PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU.   There is something EXTRA SINISTER about a Man who will STRIKE A WOMAN WHILE CARRYING HIS UNBORN CHILD!!!  THAT is a REAL LACK OF MORAL CHARACTER!!    It really bothers me when Women stay in situations that not only harm them-but could possibly harm their INNOCENT CHILD'S WELL BEING.    Our Children don't deserve that!!!   I'm responsible for protecting my little Angel.   NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN HER SAFETY, AND HER EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELL BEING.  NOTHING!!     I will eat Ramen noodles every single night so I can pay for Child Care all on my own, rather than ask HER FATHER to Babysit MY CHILD. PERIOD.    Does it mean anything that He is HER FATHER??  I don't know??  What does that really mean anyway to an unstable person?? In short, he's a SEVERE NARCISSIST-in my opinion-as I've have dealt with my share of them.

There is something morally amiss and unstable with a person who will study the bible for a 24 hour -48 hour marathon session -on a workday no less when he should & could be looking for work-and doesn't abide by any of the basic principles that God teaches, YET, he thinks he's one of God's Chosen Ones??!! You can't love God and say you don't LOVE YOUR MOM?  OR Say you DON'T LOVE ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER??  There's something morally lacking when a grown, ass Man says he doesn't have to work because his Mother has money!!! Really?  There is something wrong when a Man says if he has a Child with someone and it doesn't work -he'll just take the Baby and run, or He and His Mom would raise him/her?  What happened to working it out for the good of the Child???   Finally, how do you entrust an impressionable young girl with a Man who disrespects Her Mother and Women in general.  What is he REALLY gonna teach Her?  You can't work with a person like that because he's purely motivated by his own selfish needs and wants.

Some people live their whole lives in denial and being blissfully ignorant of their own shortcomings and blame everyone else for wronging them, rather than working on themselves.   You can't teach someone who doesn't want to be taught.

I know what I'm doing.  I'm protecting my Baby.  I have more than enough LOVE to give her.  Even in my present unemployed state-I can take care of her Financially better than He can.  What does that tell you?  I can FORGIVE a whole lot.  But, I DON'T FORGET-and I'm trusting my MATERNAL INSTINCTS.   It's NOT ABOUT ME.  It's ALL ABOUT HER.

So listen up all you Tamar's-I GOT THIS.



Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Beginning of the Journey


It's been a long time, but I've been taking care of a Newborn-no small feat.  I'm a Mother, a New Mom for the first time and it's hard as I thought it would be and even harder than that.

Ms. Clarke Elise Gilliard made her entrance into this world in dramatic fashion as only a child of mine could on 1/4/12 at 3:23 am.  7lbs, 8ozs and 20 inches.   She was born by emergency Cesarean, because her heart rate was dropping after every contraction and she wasn't progressing downward through the Birth canal.  All that after four days of labor, and the fervent desire to do it all naturally.  I even ended up getting the Epidural.  I was so tired of the pain after all that time dealing with the contractions that I had to get the epidural.   So she came, and they immediately took her to the NICU where she was for almost 3 days, I didn't even get to hold her or really see her until a day later.

Thank God, she's here!   She's healthy.  She's beautiful.  She's perfect and wonderfully made.  She's a gift sent to me by God, and I love her dearly.  I can't imagine my life without her now-although I do remember my life before sometimes, and I wonder if I will ever have some semblance of it!

Thank God my Mother came to help me through the Birth, and I spent some time home with my Mom in MD afterwards-otherwise I would have been alone.  Finally, I was alone with my Daughter, at 6 weeks old, and we are doing fine.  All on our own.  She's my little buddy, and we have finally bonded-it sometimes doesn't happen immediately-and that's normal.   We had a few challenges in the beginning, with her Reflux and breastfeeding ( it is not all it's cracked up to be folks-it can be painful and in my case my milk supply was lower than her demand), but we are working through the issues.  She's healthy and is growing (she's 10lbs)!

I'm blessed to have her.  I LOVE my little munchkin, and I wouldn't change a thing, but I have been a ball of nerves and I admit that.  I worry about Her and if I'm doing the right things all the time.   I speak my mind about how I feel as a new Mom, and I'm real about how hard this is-I express the unpopular opinion.  No folks, it's not all JOYFUL for me-it's been hard, and of course I'm stressed.   I'm a Single Mom, unemployed, and I have minimal support.   No, you won't see me dancing, singing with birds chirping and butterflies flying around my head because of the "Joy of Motherhood" -I'm just trying to get through each day, one day at a time.    I'm stressed and I'm not afraid to admit it.  I have been done trying to maintain the image of Superwoman, better yet, Super Black Woman, for some time.  I can admit when I need help.  I can admit that sometimes I don't have it all under control.  I can admit that everything isn't Perfect.  That is not Life.  That  "it's all good" all the time attitude is a facade.

I need to work-although I always imagined I would be home with my child/children for at least a year in my past dreams!)  I have no financial support from the Father, and if I do take any help from him, as minute as it may be, this crazy Man acts like I owe him something, and for doing what any normal parent should without me having to ask-I mean, he makes a big deal if he buys a pack of Diapers!!   Mind you, I put him out because of the threat of physical violence by Him, WHILE I WAS PREGNANT (he was already verbally abusing me), and him not showing an ounce of concern for the remaining 7 months of my pregnancy without so much as a peep from Him-this "Person" proceeds to tell me how he's gonna come see Her and eventually take her on the weekends.  Really?  I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL AND I DON'T TRUST HIM TO CARE FOR HER SAFELY-let alone to raise her right and instill the proper values in Her or to even be a positive Male role model.  He gave me $500 recently to "help out" -and now he thinks he has equal rights as a parent-while still talking to me with no respect.  I was gracious enough to let him see her 2X (each time he came empty-handed), but having him around does not bring peace.  He only brings drama.    As educated as he is, I've NEVER had someone so IGNORANT in my cipher before.  Imagine you are in the King's court as a Lady of the Court surrounded by Kings, Noblemen, Lords & Knights-and then there is the Court Jester.  That's who my Baby Daddy is, the Court Jester.   Damn, can I choose em!  Thank God, my Daughter seems to have received the Best from both of us-as much as I can tell from her at 2 months old.

God is Good though y'all.  He's blessed me so I'm ok for a little while longer.   Also, I know he will provide the right job/career situation.  It's been hard to even look for work while taking care of a Newborn full time, and trust the Devil is always busy in nasty people thwarting my efforts, but I am faithful in God's works and I know we will be ok.    In the meantime, I have to watch my finances.  Taking a car is even a luxury.

I admit, I miss my old life some days.   I miss being in the City and having my freedom to hit a happy hour or two.  (I have not had a single drop of hard liquor in almost a year-I just recently started allowing myself a glass of wine every now and then -and even then I sometimes water it down with water or juice).   I feel like my sole purpose is to be a human feeding machine some days.  I'm sleep deprived with no one in the household to watch her so I can sleep for a couple of hours.   I never WANTED to have a Baby and then have to rely on public transportation.   I mean taking my Baby on the Subway and exposing her to all those nasty germs was enough to give me a heart attack for the first time, but even worse is the feeling of carrying her down the perilous steps in her stroller (because of course the trains in my neighborhood don't have elevators), and I'm a natural -born klutz!  Oh Jesus, I felt like I was gonna faint taking her down there -but I did it and I made it safely there and back.  I don't know how Mother's do that everyday.  I seem to always have a bit of anxiety now-and it has to do with my overall situation.    The weight and responsibility of caring for this little person all on my own is crushing sometimes-but I will get it done and She's gonna be just fine!

At this present moment, she's a little sick and actually in my arms sleep as I'm typing this.   She caught my cold and her vaccinations have her feeling a little bit down.  I can tell you I've had a few bouts of crying already-I can't bear to see my Child sick or in pain-and the feeling of helplessness is so intense that it can drive you crazy.  Not all of us are Baby Whisperers-sometimes you just don't know what to do-I'm learning as I go, and I thank God for a few sage, experienced Mommy's in my circle.   I never knew how Type A I was until I had her!  The worst thing for a person like me is not knowing what to do or the fear of the unknown.    She's getting better though and seeing her smile and coo again make me feel better!

So there you have it folks.  My experience so far.  I'm all about the truth.  I'm not asking for your pity, or even your help.  I'm just expressing what I'm genuinely feeling as a New Mom.  I've always been annoyed with the pundits and an audience of people who only want you to know the good things.  Just BE REAL, sometimes knowing what to expect can help you to better prepare, or make different decisions.   I made the decision to become Clarke's Mom, because anything else would have been selfish for me to do.  This is a journey, and it is sometimes filled with rocky roads.  I talk about the rocky roads and the paved roads too.    We all have to walk our own path.  My journey is unique to me.  You can't criticize me for that although some may.    I'm ok and I have my little Girl to keep me on the path and to walk this journey with me.  We will learn and discover as we go, together.  


Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ready, Set, GO!!

Hi People,

First I must say thank you to all the wonderful advice, comments and encouragement on my last post.   You all were very helpful to me.

With that noted,  I have to keep this one short!    I think I may be going into Labor as I'm typing this.  I'm feeling some contractions (I think) at least every 10 minutes.    I'm so excited!   (and scared).   It's December 31, New Years Eve-hopefully that makes me a contender for having the First Baby of the New Year!  I told Her she should try to come today!

It's funny how God works.   I have been MISERABLE this last week-due to the physical discomfort.   It's been to the point where I am like -get this Baby out of me!   But I had no real indication that she was coming as my last two Dr. Appointments-one as recent as yesterday-confirmed that I wasn't even dilated yet.    So all week, I had been worried about my Mom getting here in time, but than according to what the Dr. said-I probably was going to go to my date -Jan. 2nd -or even later.   That news was discouraging-only because I'm feeling so ready for Her to be here and so physically uncomfortable-it was wearing on me.

So, I called my Mom after yesterday's Dr. appt. and told her the news.  She's past 70 so I didn't want her driving up here in haste.  I told her she may as well not rush.   But guess what?  She came anyway and I can only be Thankful to God, because I started feeling a semblance of something like cramps last night which I now think were contractions.

What has been my theme for this blog?  Well the central theme is that We Make Plans and God laughs!  I know he's laughing at me right now and at the same time, He has shown me mercy and grace by answering my Prayers.

My Mom tried to calm me down earlier this week when I started crying hysterically about possibly  being alone when I go into Labor, and then she said I was a "strong woman"!  God if I had a nickel, a penny, freak it -a Dollar for every time I have heard that -I would be FILTHY RICH right now.   It's true, I'm strong, smart, resourceful and independent, but that doesn't mean I don't need people.  I need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, I need and long for a partner to walk this path with me, I need to know I'm loved and I have support from those in my circle.  I need to know when I call, someone will answer.    Well I know that God answers...he hears my call even if no-one else does.     I'm so thankful that Mom is here and I'm so thankful for my gracious friends & Sorors-who I think have been Angels-sent to help through this time.

 It is has been difficult-being alone and not having support -with none at all from the Baby's Father and I don't wish this situation on anyone and I really never planned (there goes that word plan) to be in this type of situation, but again, God knew what I could bear -even when I didn't know.   Let's be clear, I decided to have this Child even though I knew the relationship wasn't working-He wasn't right AT all and I knew I had to end it.  However, this Baby was a gift and I decided to have Faith and trust that although She wasn't my plan -at this time, with this Man-She was a part of God's plan..and I'm so very thankful!   I don't regret my decision to be Her Mom. 

God Bless my Friends-hopefully, I'm off to the hospital soon and this is the Real McCoy and I'm not just having Braxton Hicks contractions! LOL.   Y'all would be really mad at the fake out!  :)

Love you and please pray for me and the Baby!



Friday, December 23, 2011


Hello my Friends!    

So I can't sleep with anticipation and the fact that I keep dreaming about my Baby Girl!  It's about 10 days to go until her due date -and I'm so ready for Her!   I'm excited and scared and of course, I have a LOT on my mind!   Principally, LOTS of Questions!!     

I have one in particular that has really been unsettling for me and I've been grappling with it for months. 

"Should I call my Child's Father when I'm going into Labor & Delivery?". 

That should be a simple one right?   I'm a Christian so that answer should be easy, right?    Let me tell you why it isn't-briefly.  

1) The Mother of my Child's Father (my Baby's paternal Grandmother)  told me that her Son said  I wasn't really pregnant-that the picture I sent of me pregnant was me putting a pillow under my dress. 
2) He hasn't attempted to contact me in any way since I put his freeloading, mean,  lazy behind out of my house in July.
3) He threatened to hit me and I was 4 months pregnant. 
4) He's lied to his close friends, family & associates about the circumstances of My Pregnancy and even denied that I was pregnant.   

To be clear folks, this is a 40 year old man.    The level of ignorance and malice he has shown is startling...and let me be clear,  I gave him absolutely no reason to do any of the above.   It's just who he is. 

So what do I do?   I'm leaning towards not bothering to tell him-he's shown no concern, care or consideration-especially since the moment I found out.   Am I right to just keep it moving?   Am I wrong for not wanting this man around my Child?  Am I wrong to think that I don't trust him to love her?   Should his name even go on the birth certificate, if I'm even able to do so?  Am I wrong to not pursue Child Support because I think he will be vindictive and try to take her or hurt her because he wants to hurt me?   It's being done to innocent children a lot nowadays-just watch the news.   

I have also questioned my process and myself over and over again.  I ask myself:  How did I get Here-I played by all the rules and then they changed?,   Why did He have to be the Father?,  Why did I choose the Men I chose?,  Don't I deserve to have a complete family?, Will there be a positive Male Role model in my Daughter's life?,  Why did I have to do this alone?  If many of us are perfectly honest with ourselves,  I'm sure many a Single Mom, and maybe even a Married Mom may have asked herself these questions too.   

Anyway-I'm sorry to say that these questions are on my mind.  No Woman should have to deal with this-especially when it takes two to make a Baby, but sadly-it happens all the time.     I am just thankful that I can & will do this on my own without his help or interference.   I know it won't be easy, but I don't have a choice and I knew this may be how things would turn out when I decided to have her.  I can only trust in God that all will be alright.    I still have a lot of questions though!  :)

In spite of all the joy, happiness and anticipation...I'm sure I have other questions too that are natural for most Mom's -To-Be.     Like:   What will she look like?  Will she be healthy?   What kind of personality will she have?  What am I gonna do all alone at 3 am feedings?    Will she come on time?   Is it really gonna be as hard as everyone says and what have I gotten myself into?   Will I be able to function with no sleep?   How do I keep her safe from all the troubles in the world?   What about daycare, nannies and hired help-can you really trust anyone with your Baby?  Will I be able to breastfeed successfully (apparently it ain't that easy)?   Is it really ok to go back to work at 3 months?   Will I know what I'm doing?  What will my Parenting style be?   Will I spoil her?   Will she be independent like me?   

It's overwhelming at times.  I can understand why Pregnant women can sometimes be depressed or just cry-this is a lot of responsibility people.  I read the parenting, pregnancy blogs & websites,  and even though there may be two supporting, loving partners-Mommies-To-Be are still sometimes anxious, sad and scared.   I never took this idea of becoming a Mom lightly, and now that it is actually happening-it's like WHOA!    It's a lifetime comittment-you can't quit being a Mommy -EVER.     So many Fathers do just walk away, it's not the same for them as it is for us...whether your married or not.    

At the end of the day, I'm trusting that it's gonna be "Alright-I feel it.  Stand-up it's all-right!  Let nothing block your way cuz it's your day!" -Nuyorican Soul! 

We all have questions, it's natural.    

Please pray for me and the Baby-the next time I write, She will most likely be here.    All of your prayers, comments and notes do help and I'm thankful for the positive encouragement.  


Saturday, December 3, 2011

Epiphany (ies)

"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!  Rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun, three little birds are by my doorstep, singing sweet songs of melodies pure & true, saying this is my message to you...Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!"  -Bob Marley

Hi Everybody!!! I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've had a lot going on, chiefly finishing up my Thesis/Capstone project for Grad School.  I'm so pleased and proud that I turned it in yesterday!  3 long years of hard work while working full-time and its' done!  I was blessed to have this semester with no full-time work-that would've been a LOT with a Baby on the way!  All thanks be to God!  All things work together for the good of them that love the lord! (Romans 8:28)

I'm soooo Happy y'all  to have that weight off my shoulders -the next task BIRTH!  :)  THEN I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO LINE UP WORK! :)   I gotta keep a roof over her head!

So, I've been meaning to write this post for awhile.   One night I was laying in bed, a little sleepless, a bit troubled, wondering about how I got to this place in my life.   I was mourning what I thought I should've had..."First comes Love, then comes marriage, then comes Dayna and the Baby Carriage!"   Y'all know that rhyme-every little girl learns it-it was my dream and it was the way things were supposed to be for me, I never thought anything different.  I still hope for that type of family structure.   So I was thinking about all the CRAP I've been through with Men, and how I could be in a situation with a Man of such ill character-where the Child's Father doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he's having a baby-someone who could just completely absolve himself-without even so much as a phone call in 5 months-after all I did to support Him and his dreams.   Wow.

Let me be clear people, it's not about HIM.  My sadness was about my choices with Him and every other choice I made in the relationship department that took me FURTHER away from that dream of Love & Marriage and the Baby Carriage.   So many of us play victim.  I was a willing participant in these failed relationships, and I had a part to play.    People can hurt us, but  often we HURT ourselves more by not being true to ourselves.  Some of us don't even know what we need-and that's a big problem.   I mean simply that we all have a choice.    We don't have to be unhappy.   So in all this sadness, it happened-the Epiphany.  

I don't remember the circumstance, but I clearly remember my Daddy telling me one day, "Dayna, your a survivor!"   That was probably one of the most profound things he said to me, because until that moment, I often felt like a victim.    Those words came back to me as I was lamenting in bed, and then I realized that all the drama & struggles I've been through, in relationships, with finances, with my Career even-has prepared me for this journey, this Journey of Being a Mommy-all by myself.    Even the circumstances that led me to meeting her Father and now having this Baby were drama-but this was  meant for me.  Meant for me to experience this joy that IS my BABY.    That's why in ALL THINGS, even in the valleys-you give Thanks-because I believe there is a greater plan at work that is not mine.

Now after finishing this Thesis, and even pulling a 24 hour no-sleep shift at almost 9 months pregnant, I know I can do anything!!   That is BIG folks, because you must understand,  BEING A SINGLE MOM WAS PROBABLY ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS!    I never wanted to do this alone, BUT more importantly, I didn't think I could!    This is the EPIPHANY-I can and I WILL, and I'm gonna be a damn good Mommy!   All those struggles were preparation for THIS TIME and this wonderful WORK of being a Mother and molding and shaping the Life of another Human Being.  It's the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE!   This is NOT going to be Easy-but I can do it!  The EPIPHANY is that  I've overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life -that I now know I can do this!  AND Yes-all by myself-I can do this.    

A few years ago, after taking the Landmark Forum,  I wrote down many possibilities that I wanted for my life.  One of them was to live fearlessly.  I must say, I have manifested that possibility into being over the last couple of years.   The choice to have my little Girl is living fearlessly for me.    We can't live in Fear folks.  Fear of what people think, fear of what we think we can't handle, fear of being alone,  any kind of fear.    I thankfully, have a lot of spiritual faith that helps me to get beyond my Fears.     I simply trust that God has a purpose for me and my life and what will be will be-so I've learned to move more freely over the years.   Having this Baby is a result of being "FREED FROM THE FEAR" .    Epiphany.    I'm not sad, I'm thankful for the Blessing that is her, but also because I'm truly FREE now.

All this aloneness has given me clarity.   Being alone hasn't been so bad-I've always feared it, but most often, I am alone.   There's no "Crew" of men and women around me.   I have people I can call on and people that just step-up, but it's been just Me through this whole pregnancy and just me dealing with my own struggles.   I have learned that I can handle it all.   God has been preparing me for all that is to come.  If I can do this, I can be a Mother-all on my own.  The beauty of it is this-after she is here, I won't ever be lonely again-at least not until she is 21! :)

"Yes I was burned, but I called it a Lesson Learned.  The stake overturned so I called it a Lesson Learned, my SOUL has returned so I called it a Lesson Learned"  that one is by Alicia Keys, a favorite when I truly had my heart broken...but I even knew then-it was a LESSON LEARNED.  

I'm learning the lessons people.     Epiphany.    Baby Girl is the fruit of the Lessons Learned-as MUCH as she is a Blessing.  She will be my Teacher too.   Epiphany.  


Love Dayna

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Unpredictable

"For the way you changed my plans...for the way u took the idea that I had of everything that I wanted to have and made me see there was something missing.. your the Best thing I never knew I needed! And now it's so clear, I need you hear always"  Ne-Yo

Ouch!!!!   Again....I am screaming loudly this time....OUCH!!!!!   Lord, have mercy on my body!  I haven't been able to walk straight for almost 2 weeks or get up from a chair without feeling real pain.

My pelvic bones are stretching ..or something like that...AND IT HURTS!!   Who knew???  One girlfriend did say she had the exact problem I'm having so I didn't panic when it started, but she had it even worse than me as she literally had to have help to walk.    I told my Dr. and all she said is "uh-huh-that sometimes happens" Really ?????-that's all I get???    On top of the heartburn and acid reflux..most days my body feels really beat up-but the Dr. says BABY GIRL is fine.    She's moving all the time...and giving me more forceful kicks and punches now...I can tell you it sometimes hurts too-especially when she's dancing on my bladder.

To quote a friend folks..."Pregnancy is no Joke!".    Honestly, I am telling you right now..I am in pain and very uncomfortable...I really know now that if you haven't carried a Baby for 9 truly may not be able to understand or empathize how we feel.   I mean this blog is candid and know it's not always been pretty, because my experience hasn't all been pretty, so I'm hitting you with the REAL TRUTH as it is for me.  Of course, every Pregnancy is different and if we did know half the stuff that could happen...I'm sure there would be few folks who would say "NO THANKS!"  I guess it all started with that damn apple in the Garden-thanks EVE! LOL

Ok, so I have to admit, I am a little bit stressed and worried, anyone who says don't worry -is not being realistic!  I saw the Mariah Carey/Nick Cannon interview on 20/20...and I can cosign on what Mariah said.. "There's nothing that could have prepared me for what happened to my body" (I'm paraphrasing of course).   I was like Hallelujia-somebody else understands-and she was carrying Twins!  Like Mariah, I had to be on Projesterone until I was about 15 weeks because I was at risk of a miscarriage and it was difficult in the beginning.   It's the things they don't tell you about that really throw you for a loop.    Some of the things you experience are simply UNPREDICTABLE.

Again, it is totally unrealistic for people who have never been Pregnant to say "Don't Worry, Be Happy"..especially when you feel some kind of miserable most of the time-the physcial stress does take a toll.   Being Pregnant is not always like the cartoons depict, you know, like the image of Snow White as she's dancing in the woods, birds are chirping, the flowers are blooming and all the cute little animals are singing with her??? Nosiree!!  That is pure Fantasy!!   Not to mention, I can't even watch my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy or Private Practice and see some Baby or Child with an impossible medical situation and as a soon to be parent think..."Oh No...what if that happened to my Child?"  One of the characters, Sam, on Private Practice confessed that he didn't want to have another child because he was scared to death all the time as a parent because of all the things that could have happened to his daughter Maya.   I can relate.   Hell, I can't even watch the news anymore-it's scary!

I went to a newborn care and breastfeeding class recently, and it was helpful, but very overwhelming -there is so much to know!  It's natural to have fears...and I can understand why.  You want to PROTECT your Children from everything, but you can't CONTROL everything-some things are just UNPREDICTABLE-you just have to put it in God's Hands!

On top of all this, I'm writing my thesis  so I can Graduate with my Masters in December, and I'm working part-time.  It's a lot!  I'm thankful I'm not working full-time-I don't know if I could have done it-not with the physical issues I've had.  Just recently, my Dr. tells me she is leaving the Practice-and I'm now in my 3rd Trimester-she won't even deliver my Baby. Seriously!!!  Also, a crazy chick has been harassing me with mean text messages and even physically tried to provoke me in public.   I can say I've got more than 1 nasty text from her-that is stressful.     It's easy for people to say ignore that kind of thing and just be happy, but it's kind of hard when craziness knocks at your front door and engages you directly-especially when you are already emotional.  

Folks, if you heard the saying don't anger a Pregnant woman-really, trust that!!   You've heard   "Hell hath no fury like a woman Scorned"  I'm telling you HELL AIN'T NOTHING LIKE PURPOSELY angering a Pregnant Woman.   I mean on top of ALL THE PHYSICAL STRESS, there is definitley some EMOTIONAL really, don't start none-it won't be none!!!   LOL!   Truly, with our hormones raging the way they do and all the physical doesn't take much!  I just hope mature people understand that...:) Really, I love MOST of you! :)

To be honest, I'm a Christian, so I really try to live my life and govern my actions by "THE GOLDEN RULE" of Do Unto Others, and I try to be very ZEN-so it's hard for me to comprehend how some people can be heartless, mean, conniving and just downright evil to other folks in any circumstance for no good reason.   I don't process that well.   Also, it shows a total lack of compassion and human decency to engage a Pregnant woman in negative manner with all on her plate..that's the reason Baby Father is gone!  I can't tolerate that negative energy regularly, and especially now.   Like I noted earlier, it's probably very hard for folks to understand if they haven't been through a Pregnancy at all or maybe they just lack compassion?   At the end of the day, I can't control other people, just like you can't control the's UNPREDICTABLE.  All you can do is keep the Faith and believe all will be well.  

So, as I'm sitting here writing because I can't sleep from this pain, please know I do have some perspective...I wrote about that in an earlier post.   I mean, it could be worse!  Some folks have to go on Bed Rest, and some have to be in the Hospital for months to carry their Babies to a point where they are able to be born healthy, some have Gestational Diabetes-like Mariah had-and have to take Insulin and be monitored regularly, some have developmental complications with the Baby in the womb-you never know!  It's UNPREDICTABLE.

Essentially, in spite of my pain, I"m thankful that She's ok and I haven't had any serious issues.   God is really good.   I may have my worries and fears as a Parent to be-it's natural.  I may have some PHYSICAL pains now and I may even have had EMOTIONAL pain.  I may experience pain when she's born...AND I DON'T KNOW everything NOR can I CONTROL everything and everyone, BUT I'M BLESSED.   This little Girl is a Gift!      I can't wait to meet Her and see what she looks like or what kind of personality she will have-after all, those things are  UNPREDICTABLE too.  :)


Love D!