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Friday, December 23, 2011

Questions.

Hello my Friends!    

So I can't sleep with anticipation and the fact that I keep dreaming about my Baby Girl!  It's about 10 days to go until her due date -and I'm so ready for Her!   I'm excited and scared and of course, I have a LOT on my mind!   Principally, LOTS of Questions!!     

I have one in particular that has really been unsettling for me and I've been grappling with it for months. 

"Should I call my Child's Father when I'm going into Labor & Delivery?". 

That should be a simple one right?   I'm a Christian so that answer should be easy, right?    Let me tell you why it isn't-briefly.  

1) The Mother of my Child's Father (my Baby's paternal Grandmother)  told me that her Son said  I wasn't really pregnant-that the picture I sent of me pregnant was me putting a pillow under my dress. 
2) He hasn't attempted to contact me in any way since I put his freeloading, mean,  lazy behind out of my house in July.
3) He threatened to hit me and I was 4 months pregnant. 
4) He's lied to his close friends, family & associates about the circumstances of My Pregnancy and even denied that I was pregnant.   

To be clear folks, this is a 40 year old man.    The level of ignorance and malice he has shown is startling...and let me be clear,  I gave him absolutely no reason to do any of the above.   It's just who he is. 

So what do I do?   I'm leaning towards not bothering to tell him-he's shown no concern, care or consideration-especially since the moment I found out.   Am I right to just keep it moving?   Am I wrong for not wanting this man around my Child?  Am I wrong to think that I don't trust him to love her?   Should his name even go on the birth certificate, if I'm even able to do so?  Am I wrong to not pursue Child Support because I think he will be vindictive and try to take her or hurt her because he wants to hurt me?   It's being done to innocent children a lot nowadays-just watch the news.   

I have also questioned my process and myself over and over again.  I ask myself:  How did I get Here-I played by all the rules and then they changed?,   Why did He have to be the Father?,  Why did I choose the Men I chose?,  Don't I deserve to have a complete family?, Will there be a positive Male Role model in my Daughter's life?,  Why did I have to do this alone?  If many of us are perfectly honest with ourselves,  I'm sure many a Single Mom, and maybe even a Married Mom may have asked herself these questions too.   

Anyway-I'm sorry to say that these questions are on my mind.  No Woman should have to deal with this-especially when it takes two to make a Baby, but sadly-it happens all the time.     I am just thankful that I can & will do this on my own without his help or interference.   I know it won't be easy, but I don't have a choice and I knew this may be how things would turn out when I decided to have her.  I can only trust in God that all will be alright.    I still have a lot of questions though!  :)

In spite of all the joy, happiness and anticipation...I'm sure I have other questions too that are natural for most Mom's -To-Be.     Like:   What will she look like?  Will she be healthy?   What kind of personality will she have?  What am I gonna do all alone at 3 am feedings?    Will she come on time?   Is it really gonna be as hard as everyone says and what have I gotten myself into?   Will I be able to function with no sleep?   How do I keep her safe from all the troubles in the world?   What about daycare, nannies and hired help-can you really trust anyone with your Baby?  Will I be able to breastfeed successfully (apparently it ain't that easy)?   Is it really ok to go back to work at 3 months?   Will I know what I'm doing?  What will my Parenting style be?   Will I spoil her?   Will she be independent like me?   

It's overwhelming at times.  I can understand why Pregnant women can sometimes be depressed or just cry-this is a lot of responsibility people.  I read the parenting, pregnancy blogs & websites,  and even though there may be two supporting, loving partners-Mommies-To-Be are still sometimes anxious, sad and scared.   I never took this idea of becoming a Mom lightly, and now that it is actually happening-it's like WHOA!    It's a lifetime comittment-you can't quit being a Mommy -EVER.     So many Fathers do just walk away, it's not the same for them as it is for us...whether your married or not.    

At the end of the day, I'm trusting that it's gonna be "Alright-I feel it.  Stand-up it's all-right!  Let nothing block your way cuz it's your day!" -Nuyorican Soul! 

We all have questions, it's natural.    

Please pray for me and the Baby-the next time I write, She will most likely be here.    All of your prayers, comments and notes do help and I'm thankful for the positive encouragement.  

XOXO,
DG


13 comments:

  1. Funny that you just sent me an inbox to sound off on this particular blog right as I was finishing the last paragraph of it. Great minds...

    Okay, let me respond from the perspective of 1. A man 2. A father to be in the next few days.

    I think despite of what he has done (or not done), you should at least tell him. At the same time, I don't think you should have ANY expectation of him to show up or be supportive. I have never met him nor heard his side of any story. You on the other hand I have known for years. I don't believe you have any reason to lie or embellish a story HOWEVER I do know how emotional women (and pregnant women) can be... I am married to one. So without at least hearing him out, I cannot make a judgement call on him simply based on your word.

    I can however make a call based on what I see from him. He has not been there for you at all physically. That I can see. Even if you were "faking" a pregnancy, he could have come to see if you were or weren't. He didn't do that. He seems immature by his actions which led me to say that he will not step up and be supportive.

    I also feel you should pursue child support. Every man should be made to financially support a child that they made whether they want to or not. If nothing else, it is the law. Will it make him bitter and hate you? Maybe. But so what. You were a so-called man when you sexed her up... so uhhhhhh...

    For me, bottom line is that bitterness creates more bitterness. It just does. Nobody wins. If you want to be the absolute best mommy that you can be, then you must get your bible out, take a look at Hebrews 12, and see where it mentions bitterness in your heart. It is hidden deep in the paragraph but it's in there. You have to forgive, the greatest lesson of all.

    As far as your preparedness as a mommy, those are very natural questions. I am asking myself the exact same stuff. This is my first child. All I want to do is get him to college to pledge Alpha. Between next week and Howard University, I got a lot of decisions to make and things to do. I need prayer just like you do. But you can do it.

    I went to see Myles Munroe a few weeks ago and he said something profound. He said that whatever you need, God already placed it inside of you. The seed is always inside the plant. So an apple tree is hidden inside of an apple. There is enough potential inside of 1 apple to make a forest of trees. So all that you need to raise this little girl is already inside you. When the time comes for it to come out, trust God that it will and you will make the right decisions.

    Hope my words helped and I hope it wasn't too raw for ya!

    Darrius

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  2. I love you Dayna, and you will be a great mommy. You will find your way/style - it is an ongoing process. Your thoughtful introspection, questions, yearnings are natural and common. You have family and friends at the ready to support you and Clark. You are not alone. You will be amazed at what you will be able to endure and stand up to in the face of protecting and rearing that baby girl. YOU CAN DO IT. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

    Mommydom ain't for wimps. It is hard as hell to do it alone - you can do it, but please lean on your family and friends - you and Clark will need them. You will be able to function as a sleep deprived mom, but on a 'different' level - don't be hard on yourself during this period - this will definitely be a period of getting the basics done - and, it will pass. The Dad Situation: find a way to let the bitternes go - much easier said than done (I KNOW!), but it will only eat away at you - all that bitterness and negative energy, Clark can pick up on that - babies/kids are little sponges and can 'feel' all of those things - she doesn't need it. Call the dad and let him know - not for him, but for Clark. All childen want to know where/who they come from. All children want to know/love their parents. No matter your relationship with the dad, that is HER dad. She will develop her own relationship with him. She will love him anyway, because, that is her dad. Go after child support - period. Concerned about custody? Apply for full custody.

    Listen to your gut -
    Don't get too caught up in the latest study, the latest way to parent - as in fashion, there are many 'trends' in the world of parenting as well. Get back to basics - not very glamorous, but when you stop and meditate on it, it will make sense to you. This is not to say there isn't any valid new information, but to go jumping into the pool with every "new thing." (this will make better sense later).

    Will Clark be like you (independent)? Clark will be like Clark - give her the space to explore who she is - will it be ok if some aspects of her personaltiy is like her father?

    All righty, mah dear - call me if you every feel like it - anytime - it is overwhelming - but it's the best thing you will ever do in your life - EVER.

    Love you cuz -
    Jeanne

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  3. Chris..

    Ok, I will try to keep this short...after reading about all your questions and concerns I can't help but to think possibly you knew deep down that this man was not ready or did not want this situation....first question for you: when you told him did he tell you that he did not want a baby or wasn't ready for a baby?
    Though I know you..your my girl:) I have to side with something Darrius said is that we only have your persective on the matter thus far...although his actions appear to be like a "duck"....I can't help to feel all the facts aren't presented...
    Point in case, this happens alot and never fully addressed just hidden behind the guise of it took two to make the baby and ideally it should take two to raise the baby..but real talk if a dude tells you that's not what I want or I am not ready what happens next should not be a surprise. I say this because it should take two to make the decision but unfortunately the ultimate decision falls on the woman...its her body, I love him, he got nice hair:), if she has religious convictions, my clock is ticking, I have never been pregnant before and the doctor told me I can't have children are just some possible deciding factors.. so the woman totally ignored the most pertinent fact or comment...I DON'T WANT A CHILD!
    I could go on but my intent was to keep it short but I talk to woman and see this same scenario played out day in and out..not cool! As you mentioned D a child is forever however long forever is....
    To answer the question of whether or not to tell him your having the baby? The answer is yes! He should have tge opportunity to step up even if he has not done so throughout the pregnancy....the actual process ....the miracle of child birth has a way of shaking people up....whether you want to persue a relationship with him or not allow he the opportunity and the baby to be apart of her life if he so chooses ..if he does not wish to then he will have to answer her to her when she is ready....most importantly DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT POISON HER MIND ABOUT HER FATHER SHE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO FORM HER OWN OPINIONS ABOUT HIM..after all it will be her relationship with him not yours....its truly unfortunate that the children become casualties of war.....but with your love and that of those around her she will be just fine:)
    GOD BLESS,
    CHRIS

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  4. Here's my point of view...as a friend. I think it would be hard to answer objectively as either a man, or a father because, quite frankly, those terms or titles mean different things to different men. You know my favorite line from way back in the days of our relationship e-debates: "it's all relative." (Hope that conjured a smirk.) But, I will provide a point of view that I hope will prove helpful.

    Upon reading about your situation and all you've gone through surrounding this pregnancy, it's tough for me to completely agree to allow him a window of opportunity to do more damage to you emotionally or physically. As a father to a young daughter, I flash forward to the possibility of this happening to her, and it makes me want to "go Brooklyn," if you get my meaning.

    However, your blog provides the answer. All the questions you have about this decision— and all that is to come—reveals one thing: It's not just about you anymore. If there is a slim chance that he can forge a solid relationship with his daughter, it's wise to let that possibility live until he proves he does not want it. It's a thin line between protecting your daughter and thwarting the possibility of a relationship with her dad (which is important for young girls). One truism is that you do not want to be on the wrong side of that line. You do not want him to be able to say that "she would not let me be a part of your life when you were a baby." It's up to him to be the responsible man and parent, so do not provide him with anymore excuses to be otherwise.

    You do have to protect your daughter and yourself. Here's how:

    I truly believe that you have the right frame of mind, when you say you can raise this baby alone. My advice is to plan on it. You do not want to enter into this new phase of your life with hopes that something will happen. Plan for the worst (which really isn't, because you will love her with everything you have, and then some) and hope for the best (which is the love and attention of both parents). If he wises up and decides to be an active part in your daughter's life: bonus. Process the paperwork for child support, but don't expect anything. If he ends up paying for child support: bonus.

    I’d recommend calling him AFTER you have delivered. Provide the name, weight, day and time of birth, as well as hospital information. I don't think you should contact him when you are going into labor. It can be a really emotional and difficult time. Based on past deeds, it's doubtful that he will even show. If he does show, I'd be surprised if he'll be able to lend the support you'll need. You need allies there, not potential enemies. Plan on limiting your labor team to those who have been there for you and will lend the valuable support. I think it's far easier to explain to your daughter (later, if it comes up) why he was not there during the delivery, as opposed to why he never showed up to visit at the hospital— if you did not try and contact him at all. You are protecting yourself and your labor process while leaving the opportunity open for him.

    All your other questions are normal, and creep up in some form whether you are a single mom, or part of a partnership. It's the stress of becoming responsible for another life. It's part of what will make you a great parent. It means sleepless nights, but find comfort in the fact that you are building a great foundation for parenthood.

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  5. @ Colo. Thanks for reading and responding! To answer your first question-the first question that fool asked me when I told him I was pregnant was -'By Who?" That was after he had been living with me for five months. He did not want me to have this Baby, but he had also been lying to me about wanting to get married and have a family. Problem is-he didn't even know how to be in a mature relationship. I'm not saying I wanted to even marry him, or have his Baby-to tell you the truth I don't even like him and I certainly don't love him. I found out his true colors a bit after the fact. His immaturity and actions were shocking-as he was like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. I'm moving on-and I will try my best to be real with My Daughter-without being hurtful.

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  6. I agree a lot with Darrius....you did choose her father...he is who he is and at the time was acceptable....I keep feeling that you wish for more...child should have a relationship with father...don't let bitterness stop this....let him know...send another picture :-) it took 2 and if the opportunity arises 2 will be involved...it not keep on truckin'....age does not determine maturity...child support yes...means name on birth certificate...child is not a pawn to use or punish...work things out when the time comes....there was something there when child was created..try to remember that....in the end it will take a village and lots of support...I think those things are all in place.

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  7. I will make a quick comment.

    1. Congrats and happy holidays enjoy this special time . May all good blessings come your way.

    2. Notify your child's father and family if you have contact with them when you are ready and feel comfortable. This is not about be christian or not it is about having the good birthing experience for you and the child. If "he" is going to stress you then tell them after the delivery.
    3. You should let him and his family know what is going on. I know lots of absentee fathers whose families are supportive even when the man is a jerk. Give then the opportunity to step uip.
    4. Plan to allow this man space in your lives if he changes his position. But be prepared to manage the situation to your comfort level. But make the space.
    4. Pursue all of your rights and all of your child's rights. When you are mentally ready prove paternity(legally, I am not questioning but make a legal statement) then secure your daughters rights to the extent that you can.

    again happy holidays. just my 2 cents. Love reading your blog. Ski ya later or cya in Sag

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  8. Dayna,

    What great memories you and your baby will have when you look back at this blog.

    A child should always know where (and who) they came from, and that they are loved. Honesty (even with children is the best way to develop secure and grounded individuals.

    Even though he has put you through some SHIT, he should still know and he can decide what he wants to do. It is no longer about you and him, it is about the life that you are bringing in.

    Weather or not he decides to be in HER life, he needs to pay for child support. I have too many sista friends who let men get off without paying support. I feel this is one of the reasons why our community is so unbalanced.

    Black women having the baby,
    taking care of the baby,
    raising the baby,

    little black girl never having father's love/affection - searches for it as an adult
    little black boy never having father's love/affection- no one teaches him how to be a man and to respect women.

    You will teach him what his mother should have taught him, and in the end, you will not resent him for not being there.

    God bless you!

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  9. Dayna, I believe Darrius summed it up for me verbatim as we share the same vantage point (new father). But we will talk in person this weekend.

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  10. Def tell him - in short ... never let someone else actions change the human being/person that you are ... EVER ..

    Def file the necessary papers for child support .. thats your kids money and they have a right to it. plus you take a part of it and start putting it away for your childs colleges education ..

    For my thoughts on the rest you are welcome to call me anytime and I will give you my thoughts. In short, I do believe that if you want to make God laugh make a plan .. but in addition ... if you put him first .. some how .. some way .. things always seem to work out ...

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  11. Nya turned 3 two days ago and I still call her father to tell him of her progress. He never respondes. I cry then Yes I move on. You will love real hard and u will change for the better. She will make u want better. It's a gr8t journey don't compare urs 2 anyone else's every motherhood journey is different! I KNOW u will B a super mom. Trust ur instincts about caregivers. Mothers always help each others. I don't know what I'd do w out my family n friends. And they Male friends DO step up! U will see. Enjoy it is a ride!

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  12. Dayna,
    Never, ever keep the fathers identity from Clarke. All parties concerned have a right to know. In the end when all is said and done God's plan will prevail. You as a mother have a right to keep Clarke safe and love her. If her father wants to be a father rather now or later, I feel that's between He and God! If he chooses to act right now, then great. If not, I guarantee you sometime in the future he will want to know his daughter. Just provide protection for Clarke, mental and physical and most of all provide Love!! Love conquers ALL! If we all remember that,this would be a better world! I love you and Clarke and would like to visit one day. Tell aunt Faye I said Hello and Happy New Year and congrats for the new arrival. Just my view! You know in your heart what to do. Love

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  13. Dayna, I know I'm not a mother yet, and I can't "feel ur pain," but I can sympathize with CLARKE! While my mother never "poisoned" my brain talking bad about my Daddy, THEIR poisonous relationship ultimately led to the deterioration of OURS!! (Meaning me and my Daddy's relationship)!
    The relationship I formed with my Daddy in my first five years of life still carries me over to this day; regardless of the fact that I have not spoken nor heard from him in almost 10 years! The sad reality of it is, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF MY DADDY IS DEAD OR ALIVE!!
    Who can I, being his only child and immediate relative, blame for this emptiness I have been holding for so long? My mother, No, myself...HELL NAWWW!..My DADDY...that's who! These actions do not diminish my love for him, but it made ME, as an almost 30 year old GROWN ASS WOMAN, see and accept what was really good!
    I'm sharing something NAUSEATINGLY PRIVATE with you and all your readers, mind you, I've probably only told one other person...I'm exposing my hurt so that you and his toxic relationship won't hurt who's most important...CLARKE!
    I would contact his family once you deliver her; this way you won't have any drama or confrontations with him while you're trying to get your LIL Mama here! At the very least you're informing someone in his family of her birth! This now puts the ball in his/their courts! If he/they act like he/they have some sense, then go with the flow! If they're on some dumb shit, leave it be! Either way, DEMAND a paternity test and "get the white man in ya'lls business!"
    If he turns out to be a nothing-ass peon like you described, then at least you know you gave him a chance! Your Clarke will be a beautiful,kind, loving, smart little Whitsitt...so knowing that, she will be able to see "what it really is" with Him wayyyy before I did!! Just love her like there's no tomorrow and sow seeds of LOVE into her....she's going to have to worry about more than enough poison as she gets older!
    LOVE YOU, CONGRATULATIONS,...AND CUT OFF HIS POWER PRETTY GIRL

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