So I can't sleep with anticipation and the fact that I keep dreaming about my Baby Girl! It's about 10 days to go until her due date -and I'm so ready for Her! I'm excited and scared and of course, I have a LOT on my mind! Principally, LOTS of Questions!!
I have one in particular that has really been unsettling for me and I've been grappling with it for months.
"Should I call my Child's Father when I'm going into Labor & Delivery?".
That should be a simple one right? I'm a Christian so that answer should be easy, right? Let me tell you why it isn't-briefly.
1) The Mother of my Child's Father (my Baby's paternal Grandmother) told me that her Son said I wasn't really pregnant-that the picture I sent of me pregnant was me putting a pillow under my dress.
2) He hasn't attempted to contact me in any way since I put his freeloading, mean, lazy behind out of my house in July.
3) He threatened to hit me and I was 4 months pregnant.
4) He's lied to his close friends, family & associates about the circumstances of My Pregnancy and even denied that I was pregnant.
To be clear folks, this is a 40 year old man. The level of ignorance and malice he has shown is startling...and let me be clear, I gave him absolutely no reason to do any of the above. It's just who he is.
So what do I do? I'm leaning towards not bothering to tell him-he's shown no concern, care or consideration-especially since the moment I found out. Am I right to just keep it moving? Am I wrong for not wanting this man around my Child? Am I wrong to think that I don't trust him to love her? Should his name even go on the birth certificate, if I'm even able to do so? Am I wrong to not pursue Child Support because I think he will be vindictive and try to take her or hurt her because he wants to hurt me? It's being done to innocent children a lot nowadays-just watch the news.
I have also questioned my process and myself over and over again. I ask myself: How did I get Here-I played by all the rules and then they changed?, Why did He have to be the Father?, Why did I choose the Men I chose?, Don't I deserve to have a complete family?, Will there be a positive Male Role model in my Daughter's life?, Why did I have to do this alone? If many of us are perfectly honest with ourselves, I'm sure many a Single Mom, and maybe even a Married Mom may have asked herself these questions too.
Anyway-I'm sorry to say that these questions are on my mind. No Woman should have to deal with this-especially when it takes two to make a Baby, but sadly-it happens all the time. I am just thankful that I can & will do this on my own without his help or interference. I know it won't be easy, but I don't have a choice and I knew this may be how things would turn out when I decided to have her. I can only trust in God that all will be alright. I still have a lot of questions though! :)
In spite of all the joy, happiness and anticipation...I'm sure I have other questions too that are natural for most Mom's -To-Be. Like: What will she look like? Will she be healthy? What kind of personality will she have? What am I gonna do all alone at 3 am feedings? Will she come on time? Is it really gonna be as hard as everyone says and what have I gotten myself into? Will I be able to function with no sleep? How do I keep her safe from all the troubles in the world? What about daycare, nannies and hired help-can you really trust anyone with your Baby? Will I be able to breastfeed successfully (apparently it ain't that easy)? Is it really ok to go back to work at 3 months? Will I know what I'm doing? What will my Parenting style be? Will I spoil her? Will she be independent like me?
It's overwhelming at times. I can understand why Pregnant women can sometimes be depressed or just cry-this is a lot of responsibility people. I read the parenting, pregnancy blogs & websites, and even though there may be two supporting, loving partners-Mommies-To-Be are still sometimes anxious, sad and scared. I never took this idea of becoming a Mom lightly, and now that it is actually happening-it's like WHOA! It's a lifetime comittment-you can't quit being a Mommy -EVER. So many Fathers do just walk away, it's not the same for them as it is for us...whether your married or not.
At the end of the day, I'm trusting that it's gonna be "Alright-I feel it. Stand-up it's all-right! Let nothing block your way cuz it's your day!" -Nuyorican Soul!
We all have questions, it's natural.
Please pray for me and the Baby-the next time I write, She will most likely be here. All of your prayers, comments and notes do help and I'm thankful for the positive encouragement.