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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sleepless Nights

"Ain't no need to worrying what the night is gonna bring-it will be all over in the morning." Anita Baker & the Winans

"I'm so glad I made It, I experienced loss, at a major cost-but I never lost faith in you.  In spite of calamity, He has a plan for me!" Marvin Sapp

It's 4am folks.  I'm happy to say that I'm not up because my Baby is up at this time-it's just that I have a lot on my mind.  Thankfully, She's only waking up once in the middle of the night now -and not twice. We are making progress!!

There have been so many things that have transpired and I've had no energy or time to write, but it is therapeutic for me, so instead of my worries keeping me up at night, I thought I'd release it this way.

Updates-or should I call them trials & testimonies?
1) My Baby is doing great!!! Thank God.  She growing, She's strong & healthy! She's crawling, trying to walk like a big girl, just got her first tooth and She's babbling and playing like a normal Baby for her age (actually, she's a little advanced!)  She is super intelligent and has a STRONG WILL & Mind! She is one determined Baby!  I have a little Gabby Douglas in the making (Go Sista! Winning that Gold for the U.S!).  But now that she's mobile-this Childproofing thing is a MUST -and is very expensive.  You can't skimp on your Baby's safety!
2) Relocated from NYC to MD.    I miss my Friends and some of my life there-i.e the lifestyle, BUT I couldn't be anymore happier to be near my MOM & Family with their support,  and I'm in an environment that promotes a Family lifestyle.  I must say, I've never felt so single as I do here-everybody in my age group is married with Children. But.. Like attracts like so instead of being around perpetually single people, maybe I increase my chances by being around Couples with Kids.   YES LADIES-Men outside of New York believe it's normal to be married with 1 or more kids at the age of 30!  I always said if I had come back here, I probably would've been married.  The good news is, when I do decide to start dating again, I'm likely to meet Men that are ready to be in committed relationships and have families!
3) New Job.  Yes, I left a high profile 6 figure + job with insane perks.  The positive side is that although I'm making a more modest income & it is a struggle with all the new expenses, I have work-life balance with a flexible work schedule in which I can work from home,  and a SANE Manager who wants to see me succeed!  God works in mysterious ways doesn't he??
4) New Car.  Yes-I got a Mommymobile-but it's cute!  I have increased expenses with the Baby and it's necessary to have a car here both for my Job and for my lifestyle-but I'm thankful for the increased mobility I have-even though it is an expense.
5) Custody fight.  I was really blown away that the Man who didn't want this Baby, or talk to me for the remaining 6 months of my pregnancy is fighting me. Mind you-without NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT except for $600 and a stroller when she was 4 months old.  Instead of supporting His Child & working with me-he sued me and then Hired a Lawyer to protect Himself, when I was the one who allowed him to visit and see her in spite of his aggression and attempt at physical violence towards me.   He doesn't understand that bullying, threats & making selfish demands to get what HE wants at whatever cost,  and that working to Hurt me-Hurts Her-and is not in Her best interest.  He can pay a Lawyer-but he can't send money to help feed & clothe her and pay for her childcare.  Shameful.      I have to spend money on a Lawyer which Hurts me and the Baby, but you know what, I'm trusting that God will work it out-and justice will be served.  I wasn't going to pursue Him for Child Support-but He has forced my Hand.   We could've worked this out if he was mature and rational-but you can't work with Crazy people.(I truly believe he is unstable) Oh well!

So as you can see, I've had a lot of changes.  There are worries that cause me some sleepless nights, in addition to my Baby's nightly feedings, but in the end, the Blessing is in the transitions that have brought me to this place of being a Mommy -in particular, HER MOMMY.  "It's the trials that are building my Testimony!"  

The Blessings is also the pure Joy I have when I see her little face smile at me in the morning.   The Blessing is in the wonder I feel when I see her learn a new skill.  It's  a blessing in the amazement I feel when she demonstrates her strong will and determination to get what she wants.  I can tell already-she is a fighter and a survivor like her Mommy and when she wants something -she will not be deterred!  It's the pure unadulterated happiness I feel when I tickle her and watch her laugh! :)  She's an Amazing, Blessing-a gift to Me and Her Father-even though He doesn't realize that yet.  It's not about Me or Him-but about Her-and She's wonderful!


I'm going to have a sleepless night every once in a while, like most New Parents, but in the darkness and calm of the night-I talk to God-and I watch my Baby sleep-and I thank him for it all and ask Him to Bless us both.

I know I've made it through!