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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My oh Me-I have a Mini Me!!

"Who run the world? GIRLS! ...
Boy u know u LOVE IT how we smart enough to make these MILLIONS, STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAR THE CHILDREN and get back to business!"-Beyonce

I had to run straight home and write today! So much to say! You know I played that song on repeat all the way home today! Let me just say here-I LOVE B! She really is Beautiful, Talented, Gracious and Fierce with a Swag that's all her own-and I think she's been a great role model for today's young girls! :) I am so happy about her Baby news and the way she announced it was truly FAB! And that brings us to the subject at hand-my OWN little Girl-YAY!!!

By now you know I'm BRUTALLY honest..so it doesn't stop now! I tell you I have always envisioned myself having a little Boy if I was ever going to have a Baby. Partly because my Family is FULL OF GIRLS, and partly because up until my 20's -I related more to Boys myself, I was a little tomboy until they started getting too FRESH with me to play with them!! LOL !
I Confess I ALWAYS Loved Men, I liked them more than I liked Girls-cuz I'm not the girly, girl-I'm very independent and boys had a very independent nature that I was drawn too..+ I didn't know many Girls who collected Comic Books like me! (I was always a little bit different and a bit of a Loner..I didn't like the Girl "pack" mentality".. and I still don't play that way! )

Also, I always wanted to raise a Boy to be the type of Man that I would have wanted to date/marry as an adult, because I don't feel many Boys are being RAISED these days-especially the way Daughters in our community are being RAISED. You know the saying-Mama's RAISE their Daughters and LOVE their Sons, right? I wanted to do something about that...but what I have said many times before...WE MAKE THOSE PLANS .. and God says, It's not about your plan.

Ok Sex and the City devotees, you may relate to this....Do you remember when Miranda was pregnant with Brady and when she went for a Sonogram? The Nurse happily and excitedly told Miranda it was a Boy and she responded with BLANK stare?? AND then when the nurse couldn't understand her reaction, she fained delight with a fake smile and the words, "A Boy, Yay!" LOL -that was me! It wasn't because of disappointment...it was shock and also a bit of a relief... because at that point, I knew that I had sooooo much to teach her, WOMAN to WOMAN, and I knew I would be good at it! I guess it was just.... CALM. True, I had always wanted a BOY, but I KNOW WHAT I DON'T KNOW, and I would've have definitely wanted a Dad present to show him what I DON'T KNOW about being a Man-not that I wouldn't have done a good job, I just believe that all children benefit from having the MALE & FEMALE perspective, it's just easier for me to teach my little mini-me baby Girl the female perspective than it would be for me to teach a Boy the male perspective. Wooo-Saaaaah!!!

Now get this, it is also filled with irony that I'm having a Girl, because God is gonna teach SOMEBODY a lesson.. My Baby's Father and now EX once said to me "If it's a Girl, that would've just been a WASTE of Time" -Can you believe that $h!!?? HAHA -the last laugh is on that JOKER...God don't like UGLY, and you know I laugh inside as I think about it now! You see God always knows what we need and when we need it-If ANYONE can benefit from a little girl, that Caveman character of my Child's Father-would! I swear to you he's a total Fred Flinstone-"You Woman, Me Man-GRUNT, GRUNT" . It may teach him a little freaking sensitivity and RESPECT for Women-traits that he SORELY lacks! LOL -I love the humor in it all!

Anywhooo, now I'm thinking and wondering how she will be!?? Will she be Adventurous like her Mama? Will she be creative? Will she have an inquisitive mind? Will she be resilient? Will she be an INDEPENDENT THINKER and do what SHE THINKS is right and not what other people say is (like her Mama)? And ...will she have a natural predilection for the finer things- umm..like Jimmy Choo-also like her Mama :) -if NOT I will certainly teach her! :)

Most importantly, I want to teach her to be GODFEARING. I want to teach her to be ARTICULATE, TENACIOUS and FEARLESS! I want to teach her to be CONFIDENT yet GRACIOUS. I want to teach her to be LOVING, but not be a PUSHOVER. Also, I want her to know that it is OK to feel like she NEEDS people and help sometimes. I say that because I am not a Woman that subscribes to the ideal that a "Woman doesn't need a Man." I believe ALL Women need Men, they just don't want to admit it, I know I most certainly DO NEED a Good, Strong, Godfearing Man in my life! I believe in balance in nature, balance in the mind and balance in life-a YEN to my YANG, and for my Daughter, I will teach her that although she can do ANYTHING she set's her mind to do, it's ok to WANT someone to help you once in a while and it's ok to feel like you NEED someone, and it's ok to express that need-in the right way! So I will teach her to be STRONG and SOFT, to be CAUTIOUS with her heart but be VULNERABLE enough to fall in LOVE, to FEEL with her HEART but to TRUST her instincts! And above all, to LOVE HERSELF FIRST (and of course love her MOMMY & GOD! :).

In the end, I'm saying I want to teach her, the LESSONS I have learned-Woman to Woman, Mother to Daughter, the only way I can teach my little Baby Girl...by teaching what I KNOW. I can't wait to meet her!!

XOXO My Lovelies-Thank you all for taking the time to read!

QUESTION: Ladies, what do you think is the most important lesson you can teach your little one? Would love to hear your thoughts! :) Mommy to Mommy!

p.s. In my last blog I referenced seeing Fat Joe's bare belly being rubbed-it was actually Big Pun! LOL-my true hip-hop heads called me out on that one! God Bless the Dead! LOL


Friday, August 26, 2011

Death of A Self-Proclaimed "Socialite"

My has my life changed!! AND THAT'S A SERIOUS UNDERSTATEMENT!

I will be candid with you again and tell you that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to give "birth" to a child-because I didn't want to give up doing ME and living the FABULOUS LIFE that I've lived in my almost 15 years here in the Big Apple (I especially didn't want a child without a Husband). I thought ok-maybe if I'm not married at 42-I will adopt a child. I knew I had a lot of love to give, and adopting a child would've been a good thing to do. I also knew that having a child was one of the biggest responsibilities anyone could have in this lifetime. I didn't want to "screw" it up -and yes I didn't want to be a "Selfish Mommy" who couldn't put her child first because she didn't know who she was and hadn't lived her own life before she had to live for her Child-that is how I see Parenting. Oh well-no sense crying over "spilled milk" as they say.

Let me give you a glimpse of what I mean by Fabulous-I have dined with Captains and Leaders of Corporate America and Heads of State at the ELC (Executive Leadership Conference) and at Bill Clinton's 2nd Inauguration to Obama's first. I've partied with Music Moguls like "Sean Combs" when he was still calling himself "Puffy" and he threw some of the HOTTEST parties of all time back in early 2000/late 90's -I was right there on top of the tables with them! I remember going to Aaliyas last Album Release and Puffy-now known as Diddy's- 35 Birthday party on the arms of a cast member from "The Wire". I remember being at Beyonce's 25th at 40/40 NYC. I was at Alicia Keys debut album party at Niketown, I've been to Film Premieres and walked the red carpet-remember Brown Sugar??? (That is still a Favorite and a classic, and I rubbed elbows with Taye Diggs and the cast). I remember being at Musiq Soulchild's album debut party and actually standing next to Jay-Z and having a conversation-he was MAD COOL-I knew even then he was destined to be great. I have partied on tops of tables with my Bosses on Tuesday's nights at Joe's Pub-where I first saw John Legend-who was then John Stephens-play with a full ensemble right before he got his deal. I did Monday nights at the Cheetah club when it was hot and Keyshawn was with the JETS! Hell I remember seeing Fat Joe up in the club getting his BARE belly rubbed. (Much Respect to the Dead -but I tell you that was NOT a pretty sight!) I have attended a private birthday bash for Stevie Wonder -where he graced us with song. I was at Ne-Yo's Champagne life party where we sipped Moet Rose until champagne was coming out our noses -and yes for 4 years was in the VIP backstage at ESSENCE Music Festival and have made some pretty great contacts and exchanged numbers with more than a few well-known hearthrobs! : ) BUT NOTHING, AND I DO MEAN NOTHING -TOPS THE NIGHT I MET MAXWELL. I met him backstage at Radio City (Pretty Wings Tour) -where he kissed my HAND AND TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL!! SWOOOOON! and later-I SAT NEXT TO HIM IN VIP with none other than...WAIT FOR IT....PRINCE!!!!!-MY ALL-TIME MUSIC IDOL!!! (I seriously died that night). That's what I call a NEW YORK MINUTE FOLKS! You never know what will happen but sometimes it happens just because you are here and in the right place at the right time!!!

You get the picture??? I've traveled all over the USA, the Caribbean and been to Europe and have stayed at some of the finest Hotels and Spas. I love to travel and I have an ADVENTURER'S Spirit! I'm a Skiier who has been to MANY an NBS (National Brotherhood of Skiers) Summit. Even in my last job, I regularly wined and dined clients at 4 star and 5 star restaurants with my Corporate Amex. I can tell you there have been consecutive years where I would never make it home before 10pm on ANY WEEKNIGHT , and I have had my share of 3Am-4am nights on a weekday when I still had to get up and be at work at 9am. WORK HARD/PLAY HARD-it's always been a motto. Also, that's just a way of life we lead here in NYC- especially those of us in Media, Entertainment and the Arts. You can't impress us with a party-we've seen it all and done it all!

Soooo ...I say all that to get you to understand, the significance of my DRASTIC life change-bought on by Pregnancy. I am home most of my days now since I'm not working. When I do go out, I'm home by 9pm-if I get in at 11pm-Mercy on me-because if you see me I'm walking down the street as if I have lead in my shoes and I'm trying to keep my behind from falling over from sheer exhaustion! My evenings are now planned with what's on TV. Countless marathons of various reality shows on Bravo, Style, E, WeTV and the Food Network are now my poison of choice! Oh-did I mention I was a VERY SOCIAL Drinker???( Those who know me know I could kill a bottle of Goose or Ketel One all by myself , and I'm a self-proclaimed bartender who mixes a mean cocktail and throws a hell of a party too!) Those days are LOONG GONE-I haven't had a SIP of alcohol since the day I found out! I hear CRICKETS on the regular in the house-as I have full conversations with my cat Hunter and expect a response back. The worst of it is, I'm tired but my Pregnant body won't let me sleep for more than 4 hours cuz I gotta get up and go pee and then I can't get back to sleep!!

I have no one here to rub my belly, to cook me food, or to talk to. It is lonely-and for an extrovert like me who loves to be around people-it is sometimes depressing. However, I feel that at 40-it's time, and not only that-this is God's time to work on me. It's Time to slow down, Time to think about different priorities-Time to be a Mom. I have never thought it sexy to be the "old chick" or "dude" in the club. All that time partying and living a "Lifestyle" never swayed me from what I deemed was truly important-and that was Love and Family. I dreadfully feared turning 40 and not being married. I cried when I was graduating Howard and was not married at 21-silly right?? Who knew? Despite my worries, I turned this life into a Fabulous Life-and I lived for the moment and in the Present. Now, I can't wait for these next moments-the new transition of being a Mom and living for my Child. I've lived for Me-and I won't stop living for me because My Baby will have a passport and live fabulously right next to Momma. The real party, and the real journey-is just about to begin.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Oh My God the Scale says What???

So I promised I would be a bit more lighthearted with my future blog posts-starting now.

Well, I must admit one of my MAJOR FEARS about being Pregnant was weight gain. I have ALWAYS been conscious about my weight-I mean from the time I was in Elementary school. As a child, although I lived in the hood in Detroit, MI-my parents always made sure we went to Private schools as Education was key. I was in Catholic Schools for the better part of Elementary and Junior High. As a result, I was often the ONLY little black girl in class or one of maybe 3 AA children in total... so my body image was formed by being around Becky, Melissa or Emily-in other words thin White Girls and being fat was a Cardinal Sin! By the time I was 12 or 13, I sufficiently developed a serious body complex as I was always the biggest one in class and the first one to have "developed". At my smallest, I was a size 8 and that was for a HALF A YEAR as a Senior in High School.

Considering my lifelong love/hate relationships with weight, I made a pact to myself and whoever would listen, that BEFORE or IF I ever DECIDED to get pregnant-I would lose 25 lbs first. There go those plans...God's laughing at me -AGAIN.

Fast forward, please understand I've come to terms with my curvalicious, thick-thighs, small waist, big boobs and decent size rump over the years. I'm a healthy size 12 and proud of it! At my smallest, I'm a size 10 and at my largest I've been a size 16 at over 200lbs -GASP! From Nov.-April 2009, I lost nearly 40 lbs and got down to my skinny size 10-and could wear some size 8's!! I celebrated A LOT! Near the end of 2010 with my crazy, insane, high-pressure gig-I had put on almost 30 of it back on and couldn't lose it for ANYTHING. So... I made another resolution with myself -I would lose 40 for my 40th bday by April.

Well.... I left my job at the end of April-right before my birthday-and with all the stress, the weight still hadn't come off-surprise, surprise! Even after dieting, working out at least 3X/week (I had got up to 3 miles on the treadmill) and against my better judgement coming off the hormones at the advice of a Dr. -BIG MISTAKE! I figured with my time off I could work out 2X/day and by July -drop 20lbs. Well, little did I know-I was already pregnant. HAHAH -THE JOKE'S ON ME!!

I kid you not, I cried because my first thought was -OH MY GOD I'M GONNA BE HUGE! Not to mention how super body conscious my now EX BF was. He was constantly on my behind about losing weight and how Fat I was...(He was always toxic about that). I had long ago told him if he didn't like it he could hit the road-but he didn't. Anyway, the first time I went to the Dr. and stepped on the scale -I thought OH JESUS LORD WHY ME??? I had a glimpse of hope in the first trimester when I got the flu, immediately followed by crazy morning sickness -so I lost about 10lbs from not eating but that was short-lived, because as soon as the appetite came back-and it came back with a vengeance-that 10lbs came right back + some!

The last time I went to the Dr.-I was about 18 weeks-I stepped on the scale and nearly fainted! WELLLL over 200 lbs and I'm like Lord help me! I loudly MOANED-OH LAWD!!! The nurse was like-"OH LAWD WHAT?? YOU PREGNANT! " REALITY CHECK! The funny thing is I'm still wearing regular clothes at 21 weeks (5 months) and I'm wearing a large or a size 14. People who don't know me can't tell that I'm pregnant because there is no big belly yet-I've gained weight EVERYWHERE else though trust me. I had an interview and the only thing I had that was appropriate was a size 14 suit-so I put it on and trooped into the city on the train-the whole time gasping for breath, buttoning and unbuttoning my pants, going lightheaded from the tightness! I had to take a breath before I could make it up the stairs onto the street!! Why did I have to unbutton my pants, bend over, gasp for air, sweat beads rolling all down my face and head -just to keep myself from fainting??!! I totally sweat out my hair before I could get to the interview! Needless to say right after the interview, I took my butt to Old Navy and bought something cheap and cute for me to slip on and walk in comfortably without risk of popping a blood vessel for the rest of the day!

Well anyway, life goes on right? I'm carrying a Baby-so I have to let all those insecurities go. I still try to be healthy. I do work out at least 3X a week, and I try to eat healthy most of the time (but when Burger King calls my name-I go get that Burger and don't even trip on it!) I admit, it feels good for my ego to still get hit on by Cuties :). I've had several mouth-dropping incidents when I've told Men that I was 5 months pregnant-I mean I may be a little extra-but the thickness and the "GIRLS" (I MEAN BOOBIES) are WORKING IT HONEY! So I guess that's a perk!

At the end of the day, the ultimate PERK is the life I'm growing inside me. There is nothing like the Joy I feel when I feel that little life moving inside of me! He/she moves all the time-and ESPECIALLY when I eat -so I bet my little one will have that Love affair with food like me! :) I'm so thankful for this blessing . I'm big, beautiful and Pregnant-head held high and happily awaiting the big, baby belly that is surely coming soon!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Courage

"Sometimes courage skips a Generation"-quote from "The Help".

I began this post with the above quote from "The Help" as one of the central themes in the movie was Courage. I was inspired, as it was courage that has led me to my current standing in this world on my Journey to Motherhood and being a Single Mom.

I need to preface this by saying, I never dreamed I would be in this place. I just turned 40, and had been waiting for the "ideal" situation to have a family. The picture I had in my head was to be married to a loving Man, then have a baby, and live in the house with the white picket fence and 2 pets. I waited all my adult life for this "perfect" situation. It is said that we make plans and God laughs-well he has been laughing at me for quite some time. The one man that I wanted all those things with-didn't want those things with me, so I suffered a heartbreaking, painful break-up and decided to pick up the pieces of me and keep it moving after 3 years of life. Single again at 37. Oh well. Was my dream ever going to happen? Finally, after much soul-searching and growth-I was good, and at 39 met another 39 year old, single, never-married, educated Man who seemed to have the same vision and values as me. The irony of it all-he knew my Ex-who is now happily married with a Baby. I figured if they were friends-he had to be a good guy right? How wrong was I.

I don't want to bash him but this blog is about Courage-and the courage to tell the truth. In 3 words, I can describe my Child's Father as: Cold. Mean. Unloving. He was not the Man who painted the picture of himself as Godfearing, stable, ready to settle down and responsible. In fact, he was the opposite of all the above. He studied the Bible-but didn't live the principles the Bible teaches. This Man who often said "I don't know if I love my own Mother", certainly didn't or couldn't love me. He was perfectly fine freeloading off of me and regularly asked me for money. He wouldn't contribute to the household-no money on rent or utilities- and he wouldn't even spend a dime on groceries. He did the dishes during the day while I was at work-and that was about all I could expect. He became threatened when I left my job and the Gravy Train was drying up. I didn't find out I was Pregnant until after I left my job-I was almost 7 weeks! He became more hostile the minute I told him. The day I told him, he said "by who"-the words every woman dreams of hearing from her BF in that situation. He frequently told me "Good thing your chubby because no one will know your pregnant" and he wouldn't marry me anyway -"because at my present weight I was disgusting and he didn't want to be embarrassed by his friends". I was at risk of miscarriage and the Doctor told me to take it easy, my now EX-BF told me "to get my Lazy ass off the couch and get a job" though-so no sympathy there. Mind you, he ran a so-called business that he worked on for a about an hour/day-the rest of his time was spent working out and playing video games. The last straw was the night he called me a "fat ass B" and I was terrified he would hit me. I called the cops and he was removed. I was 4 months at that time.

I did see signs, so yes, it shouldn't have gotten that far; I was ready to leave in February-we had only been dating since November, but I was in the frying pan at work-dealing with a whole other type of drama-so I didn't have the energy to face what was happening at home. I buried my head in the sand and hoped and prayed it would get better and he would do all the things he was promising to do-but it only got worse.

Some of you will judge me for being so open. Some of you will not believe me. Some of you will say it takes two, but as I noted, this is about Courage: The courage to write this Blog; the courage it took to leave a job that was miserable and threatened my very sanity; and the courage to leave an unhealthy, toxic Man despite having a Baby on the way and being unemployed, because he also threatened my sanity, my health and the health of my unborn child.

Finally, this is the courage to have a baby. The courage to become a Mother in less than my "ideal situation". The courage to have this child while I'm alone without any emotional and financial support from the Father". I know I'm not the only Woman in the world to have this situation, but you must understand-I NEVER wanted to be a Single Mom, I never wanted to have a Baby at any cost. I always wanted Love and a Family-my ideal of a family. My parents have been married 43 years-that was the example I had. Once again-we make plans and God laughs. I apologize to every Single Mom I ever judged-because at this moment and at the moment I knew I was pregnant- I knew that this Child is a Blessing. A friend said "all the love you need is right there in your Belly"..and I knew it to be true. I am thankful. I am blessed. I will admit I was scared and not happy about the prospect of doing this alone, but once again, I had the courage to walk-away from a dysfunctional relationship and not subject my child to a toxic situation. I need my Child to see me loved -and to know that he/she is loved-those are the most important things. So I've accepted these transitions-all the while believing in earnest and trusting that God has a plan for me-and my Baby. I just have the courage to keep it moving for the two of us.