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Monday, August 15, 2011

Courage

"Sometimes courage skips a Generation"-quote from "The Help".

I began this post with the above quote from "The Help" as one of the central themes in the movie was Courage. I was inspired, as it was courage that has led me to my current standing in this world on my Journey to Motherhood and being a Single Mom.

I need to preface this by saying, I never dreamed I would be in this place. I just turned 40, and had been waiting for the "ideal" situation to have a family. The picture I had in my head was to be married to a loving Man, then have a baby, and live in the house with the white picket fence and 2 pets. I waited all my adult life for this "perfect" situation. It is said that we make plans and God laughs-well he has been laughing at me for quite some time. The one man that I wanted all those things with-didn't want those things with me, so I suffered a heartbreaking, painful break-up and decided to pick up the pieces of me and keep it moving after 3 years of life. Single again at 37. Oh well. Was my dream ever going to happen? Finally, after much soul-searching and growth-I was good, and at 39 met another 39 year old, single, never-married, educated Man who seemed to have the same vision and values as me. The irony of it all-he knew my Ex-who is now happily married with a Baby. I figured if they were friends-he had to be a good guy right? How wrong was I.

I don't want to bash him but this blog is about Courage-and the courage to tell the truth. In 3 words, I can describe my Child's Father as: Cold. Mean. Unloving. He was not the Man who painted the picture of himself as Godfearing, stable, ready to settle down and responsible. In fact, he was the opposite of all the above. He studied the Bible-but didn't live the principles the Bible teaches. This Man who often said "I don't know if I love my own Mother", certainly didn't or couldn't love me. He was perfectly fine freeloading off of me and regularly asked me for money. He wouldn't contribute to the household-no money on rent or utilities- and he wouldn't even spend a dime on groceries. He did the dishes during the day while I was at work-and that was about all I could expect. He became threatened when I left my job and the Gravy Train was drying up. I didn't find out I was Pregnant until after I left my job-I was almost 7 weeks! He became more hostile the minute I told him. The day I told him, he said "by who"-the words every woman dreams of hearing from her BF in that situation. He frequently told me "Good thing your chubby because no one will know your pregnant" and he wouldn't marry me anyway -"because at my present weight I was disgusting and he didn't want to be embarrassed by his friends". I was at risk of miscarriage and the Doctor told me to take it easy, my now EX-BF told me "to get my Lazy ass off the couch and get a job" though-so no sympathy there. Mind you, he ran a so-called business that he worked on for a about an hour/day-the rest of his time was spent working out and playing video games. The last straw was the night he called me a "fat ass B" and I was terrified he would hit me. I called the cops and he was removed. I was 4 months at that time.

I did see signs, so yes, it shouldn't have gotten that far; I was ready to leave in February-we had only been dating since November, but I was in the frying pan at work-dealing with a whole other type of drama-so I didn't have the energy to face what was happening at home. I buried my head in the sand and hoped and prayed it would get better and he would do all the things he was promising to do-but it only got worse.

Some of you will judge me for being so open. Some of you will not believe me. Some of you will say it takes two, but as I noted, this is about Courage: The courage to write this Blog; the courage it took to leave a job that was miserable and threatened my very sanity; and the courage to leave an unhealthy, toxic Man despite having a Baby on the way and being unemployed, because he also threatened my sanity, my health and the health of my unborn child.

Finally, this is the courage to have a baby. The courage to become a Mother in less than my "ideal situation". The courage to have this child while I'm alone without any emotional and financial support from the Father". I know I'm not the only Woman in the world to have this situation, but you must understand-I NEVER wanted to be a Single Mom, I never wanted to have a Baby at any cost. I always wanted Love and a Family-my ideal of a family. My parents have been married 43 years-that was the example I had. Once again-we make plans and God laughs. I apologize to every Single Mom I ever judged-because at this moment and at the moment I knew I was pregnant- I knew that this Child is a Blessing. A friend said "all the love you need is right there in your Belly"..and I knew it to be true. I am thankful. I am blessed. I will admit I was scared and not happy about the prospect of doing this alone, but once again, I had the courage to walk-away from a dysfunctional relationship and not subject my child to a toxic situation. I need my Child to see me loved -and to know that he/she is loved-those are the most important things. So I've accepted these transitions-all the while believing in earnest and trusting that God has a plan for me-and my Baby. I just have the courage to keep it moving for the two of us.


7 comments:

  1. I think there's a lot of courage in sharing your experience at all in such a public way.

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  2. Dayna:

    I hope you're at peace now. Congrats on starting your family. I'm happy for you.

    -ab

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  3. Please know that God loves you and your baby. That child is in His words, a blessing, a heritage of the Lord and His reward, and that sounds like a good thing to me. May I suggest that you spend time in the Word and concentrate on how much He really loves you. He only made one like you and He holds you in the palm of His hand and and sings over you. (I can't quote the scripture right now but will send it to you if you like.) You mentioned "God", so I assume that you have received Jesus as your Lord and Savior and are thereby a member of His Body. If so, you have innumerable sisters and brothers who love you too. (Not all of whom know how to show it, unfortunately). But first, forgive the one who mistreated you, because unforgiveness blocks your blessings. (I can forward scriptures for this biblical principle, if you would like.) You seem to be letting it go. Continue on that path and just focus on developing you faith to receive the blessings God has for you. Start with faith where you are and believe Him. Faith is measurable (Little, much,great, strong, etc.) You have some needs now for you and the little one so, if I may, I suggest that you start with Philippians 4:19. In John 16:23 Jesus said whatever you ask the Father in My Name, He will give it to you that your joy may be full. Meditate on this word until you believe it in your heart, then ask Him to do it for you and believe that He will. Then,get your mind into high expectancy and every time a need comes to mind, thank Him for His provision. Faith works. Be encouraged in the Lord. Elmira

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  4. You will be fine! That's why God gives you true friends and family to be there by your side. Hold your head high, this was good for you to get off your chest now you can focus on the important things. He lost and God will get him for what he did to you trust me!!!

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  5. Well said Dayna. It is true that we plan our lives one way and God may have very different plans. I am proud of you for being brave and know you will be a wonderful mother!

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  6. WOW, your COURAGE will give many others just that. This blog is so motivating on so many levels for all people. I hope you can see that. You blessing in your belly is your biggest motivator. Nothing like being a MOMMY!!!! That is the best job God has given you. Stay true to yourself and keep your COURAGE!

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  7. You are courageous and I applaud your honesty. I have always thought you were a beautiful person and this post is truly a reflection of your inner beauty. Your honesty brought me to tears. Thank you for having the courage and self-awareness to share.

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