Well, I must admit one of my MAJOR FEARS about being Pregnant was weight gain. I have ALWAYS been conscious about my weight-I mean from the time I was in Elementary school. As a child, although I lived in the hood in Detroit, MI-my parents always made sure we went to Private schools as Education was key. I was in Catholic Schools for the better part of Elementary and Junior High. As a result, I was often the ONLY little black girl in class or one of maybe 3 AA children in total... so my body image was formed by being around Becky, Melissa or Emily-in other words thin White Girls and being fat was a Cardinal Sin! By the time I was 12 or 13, I sufficiently developed a serious body complex as I was always the biggest one in class and the first one to have "developed". At my smallest, I was a size 8 and that was for a HALF A YEAR as a Senior in High School.
Considering my lifelong love/hate relationships with weight, I made a pact to myself and whoever would listen, that BEFORE or IF I ever DECIDED to get pregnant-I would lose 25 lbs first. There go those plans...God's laughing at me -AGAIN.
Fast forward, please understand I've come to terms with my curvalicious, thick-thighs, small waist, big boobs and decent size rump over the years. I'm a healthy size 12 and proud of it! At my smallest, I'm a size 10 and at my largest I've been a size 16 at over 200lbs -GASP! From Nov.-April 2009, I lost nearly 40 lbs and got down to my skinny size 10-and could wear some size 8's!! I celebrated A LOT! Near the end of 2010 with my crazy, insane, high-pressure gig-I had put on almost 30 of it back on and couldn't lose it for ANYTHING. So... I made another resolution with myself -I would lose 40 for my 40th bday by April.
Well.... I left my job at the end of April-right before my birthday-and with all the stress, the weight still hadn't come off-surprise, surprise! Even after dieting, working out at least 3X/week (I had got up to 3 miles on the treadmill) and against my better judgement coming off the hormones at the advice of a Dr. -BIG MISTAKE! I figured with my time off I could work out 2X/day and by July -drop 20lbs. Well, little did I know-I was already pregnant. HAHAH -THE JOKE'S ON ME!!
I kid you not, I cried because my first thought was -OH MY GOD I'M GONNA BE HUGE! Not to mention how super body conscious my now EX BF was. He was constantly on my behind about losing weight and how Fat I was...(He was always toxic about that). I had long ago told him if he didn't like it he could hit the road-but he didn't. Anyway, the first time I went to the Dr. and stepped on the scale -I thought OH JESUS LORD WHY ME??? I had a glimpse of hope in the first trimester when I got the flu, immediately followed by crazy morning sickness -so I lost about 10lbs from not eating but that was short-lived, because as soon as the appetite came back-and it came back with a vengeance-that 10lbs came right back + some!
The last time I went to the Dr.-I was about 18 weeks-I stepped on the scale and nearly fainted! WELLLL over 200 lbs and I'm like Lord help me! I loudly MOANED-OH LAWD!!! The nurse was like-"OH LAWD WHAT?? YOU PREGNANT! " REALITY CHECK! The funny thing is I'm still wearing regular clothes at 21 weeks (5 months) and I'm wearing a large or a size 14. People who don't know me can't tell that I'm pregnant because there is no big belly yet-I've gained weight EVERYWHERE else though trust me. I had an interview and the only thing I had that was appropriate was a size 14 suit-so I put it on and trooped into the city on the train-the whole time gasping for breath, buttoning and unbuttoning my pants, going lightheaded from the tightness! I had to take a breath before I could make it up the stairs onto the street!! Why did I have to unbutton my pants, bend over, gasp for air, sweat beads rolling all down my face and head -just to keep myself from fainting??!! I totally sweat out my hair before I could get to the interview! Needless to say right after the interview, I took my butt to Old Navy and bought something cheap and cute for me to slip on and walk in comfortably without risk of popping a blood vessel for the rest of the day!
Well anyway, life goes on right? I'm carrying a Baby-so I have to let all those insecurities go. I still try to be healthy. I do work out at least 3X a week, and I try to eat healthy most of the time (but when Burger King calls my name-I go get that Burger and don't even trip on it!) I admit, it feels good for my ego to still get hit on by Cuties :). I've had several mouth-dropping incidents when I've told Men that I was 5 months pregnant-I mean I may be a little extra-but the thickness and the "GIRLS" (I MEAN BOOBIES) are WORKING IT HONEY! So I guess that's a perk!
At the end of the day, the ultimate PERK is the life I'm growing inside me. There is nothing like the Joy I feel when I feel that little life moving inside of me! He/she moves all the time-and ESPECIALLY when I eat -so I bet my little one will have that Love affair with food like me! :) I'm so thankful for this blessing . I'm big, beautiful and Pregnant-head held high and happily awaiting the big, baby belly that is surely coming soon!