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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sleepless Nights

"Ain't no need to worrying what the night is gonna bring-it will be all over in the morning." Anita Baker & the Winans

"I'm so glad I made It, I experienced loss, at a major cost-but I never lost faith in you.  In spite of calamity, He has a plan for me!" Marvin Sapp

It's 4am folks.  I'm happy to say that I'm not up because my Baby is up at this time-it's just that I have a lot on my mind.  Thankfully, She's only waking up once in the middle of the night now -and not twice. We are making progress!!

There have been so many things that have transpired and I've had no energy or time to write, but it is therapeutic for me, so instead of my worries keeping me up at night, I thought I'd release it this way.

Updates-or should I call them trials & testimonies?
1) My Baby is doing great!!! Thank God.  She growing, She's strong & healthy! She's crawling, trying to walk like a big girl, just got her first tooth and She's babbling and playing like a normal Baby for her age (actually, she's a little advanced!)  She is super intelligent and has a STRONG WILL & Mind! She is one determined Baby!  I have a little Gabby Douglas in the making (Go Sista! Winning that Gold for the U.S!).  But now that she's mobile-this Childproofing thing is a MUST -and is very expensive.  You can't skimp on your Baby's safety!
2) Relocated from NYC to MD.    I miss my Friends and some of my life there-i.e the lifestyle, BUT I couldn't be anymore happier to be near my MOM & Family with their support,  and I'm in an environment that promotes a Family lifestyle.  I must say, I've never felt so single as I do here-everybody in my age group is married with Children. But.. Like attracts like so instead of being around perpetually single people, maybe I increase my chances by being around Couples with Kids.   YES LADIES-Men outside of New York believe it's normal to be married with 1 or more kids at the age of 30!  I always said if I had come back here, I probably would've been married.  The good news is, when I do decide to start dating again, I'm likely to meet Men that are ready to be in committed relationships and have families!
3) New Job.  Yes, I left a high profile 6 figure + job with insane perks.  The positive side is that although I'm making a more modest income & it is a struggle with all the new expenses, I have work-life balance with a flexible work schedule in which I can work from home,  and a SANE Manager who wants to see me succeed!  God works in mysterious ways doesn't he??
4) New Car.  Yes-I got a Mommymobile-but it's cute!  I have increased expenses with the Baby and it's necessary to have a car here both for my Job and for my lifestyle-but I'm thankful for the increased mobility I have-even though it is an expense.
5) Custody fight.  I was really blown away that the Man who didn't want this Baby, or talk to me for the remaining 6 months of my pregnancy is fighting me. Mind you-without NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT except for $600 and a stroller when she was 4 months old.  Instead of supporting His Child & working with me-he sued me and then Hired a Lawyer to protect Himself, when I was the one who allowed him to visit and see her in spite of his aggression and attempt at physical violence towards me.   He doesn't understand that bullying, threats & making selfish demands to get what HE wants at whatever cost,  and that working to Hurt me-Hurts Her-and is not in Her best interest.  He can pay a Lawyer-but he can't send money to help feed & clothe her and pay for her childcare.  Shameful.      I have to spend money on a Lawyer which Hurts me and the Baby, but you know what, I'm trusting that God will work it out-and justice will be served.  I wasn't going to pursue Him for Child Support-but He has forced my Hand.   We could've worked this out if he was mature and rational-but you can't work with Crazy people.(I truly believe he is unstable) Oh well!

So as you can see, I've had a lot of changes.  There are worries that cause me some sleepless nights, in addition to my Baby's nightly feedings, but in the end, the Blessing is in the transitions that have brought me to this place of being a Mommy -in particular, HER MOMMY.  "It's the trials that are building my Testimony!"  

The Blessings is also the pure Joy I have when I see her little face smile at me in the morning.   The Blessing is in the wonder I feel when I see her learn a new skill.  It's  a blessing in the amazement I feel when she demonstrates her strong will and determination to get what she wants.  I can tell already-she is a fighter and a survivor like her Mommy and when she wants something -she will not be deterred!  It's the pure unadulterated happiness I feel when I tickle her and watch her laugh! :)  She's an Amazing, Blessing-a gift to Me and Her Father-even though He doesn't realize that yet.  It's not about Me or Him-but about Her-and She's wonderful!


I'm going to have a sleepless night every once in a while, like most New Parents, but in the darkness and calm of the night-I talk to God-and I watch my Baby sleep-and I thank him for it all and ask Him to Bless us both.

I know I've made it through!



Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Too Many TAMARS!!

Hey Lovelies,

Thank you so much for reading and continuing to give words of support and encouragement, we all need that from time to time and I'm no different.

Sooooo....with that being said, I'm writing this post to clear up a few things for my "Haters" and "Objectors" who continuously read if for no other reason than to throw digs my way and look for more reasons to "dislike"me.   Let me note this one more time....I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK...IF I DID I WOULDN'T BE WRITING A PUBLIC BLOG!  I realize because this is public I've opened myself up to critics-tell me something I don't know!?  I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about ANYTHING  .

I called this post Too Many Tamars because of Tamar Braxton from the Braxtons-Toni Braxton and her Sisters' reality show.  Don't get me wrong-I like Tamar, but she's often inappropriate...meaning, she's loud and wrong- alot!  She voices her opinion when folks didn't really ask -and it's almost always coming from a self-centered place or an insecure place.  I  HAVE A LOT OF TAMARS IN MY LIFE TOO.  Sometimes, the closest people (by blood), are the MEANEST people too.   Just loud and WRONG all the time-thinking they know more than you do and have their own petty jealousies and insecurities that they project on you.   I've experienced some negative reactions from some of the "I've been a Momma lot longer than you types"-and from others.  My Story is not your Story.  We are all responsible for our own path-so don't be MAD at me cause I walk a bit different from you.

Also,  not that I have to explain anything, I just need to make it clear-that I'm all about the protection of my Child.   It's so not about Me!  It's so not about her Father..BUT there are some things that must be told.  I am AFRAID for him to be around Her-especially unsupervised-because I don't TRUST HIM-Can I say it any louder??  Can I write it more emphatically??? I wonder why people don't get that.  I guess they think I'm just being melodramatic.  However, my Child's Father showed His True Colors to me, particularly AFTER I became pregnant, and what I saw was DANGEROUS & UGLY.  How many of you are familiar with Arthur Morgan?    How many of you have heard of Josh Powell?  Google them if you haven't.  There are too many incidences of parental violence on little kids happening today.  It's so hard for me to ignore as a New Mommy who doesn't have a good relationship with my Child's Father.  

Ok-I'm not accusing Him of anything...but I am a bit wary and cautious because of his character.   To be clear....DAMN THE FACT THAT THE RELATIONSHIP DIDN'T WORK-I'M HAPPY TO NOT BE IN IT ANYMORE!  It was a relationship of convenience for both HIM and ME.  I DON'T LOVE HIM, never did -and I'm 150% certain-HE DID NOT LOVE ME.  He misrepresented himself from the beginning, and when I saw signs that things were not right-I didn't end it soon enough. Period.   I'm NOT BITTER.  I'm thankful that it happened because now I have MY DAUGHTER.  Yes, MY Daughter.  He made it clear to me that this was MY CHILD when he first suggested I GO GET AN ABORTION, and Second when I had to have the Police escort him out of MY HOUSE AND HE DIDN'T ATTEMPT ANY CONTACT WITH ME FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE PREGNANCY.  

LET ME BE CLEAR TO ALL THE WOMEN OUT THERE....YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN WHO THREATENS YOU WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE-MUCH LESS ONE WHO ACTUALLY PUTS HIS HANDS ON YOU.   There is something EXTRA SINISTER about a Man who will STRIKE A WOMAN WHILE CARRYING HIS UNBORN CHILD!!!  THAT is a REAL LACK OF MORAL CHARACTER!!    It really bothers me when Women stay in situations that not only harm them-but could possibly harm their INNOCENT CHILD'S WELL BEING.    Our Children don't deserve that!!!   I'm responsible for protecting my little Angel.   NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN HER SAFETY, AND HER EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL AND MENTAL WELL BEING.  NOTHING!!     I will eat Ramen noodles every single night so I can pay for Child Care all on my own, rather than ask HER FATHER to Babysit MY CHILD. PERIOD.    Does it mean anything that He is HER FATHER??  I don't know??  What does that really mean anyway to an unstable person?? In short, he's a SEVERE NARCISSIST-in my opinion-as I've have dealt with my share of them.

There is something morally amiss and unstable with a person who will study the bible for a 24 hour -48 hour marathon session -on a workday no less when he should & could be looking for work-and doesn't abide by any of the basic principles that God teaches, YET, he thinks he's one of God's Chosen Ones??!! You can't love God and say you don't LOVE YOUR MOM?  OR Say you DON'T LOVE ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER??  There's something morally lacking when a grown, ass Man says he doesn't have to work because his Mother has money!!! Really?  There is something wrong when a Man says if he has a Child with someone and it doesn't work -he'll just take the Baby and run, or He and His Mom would raise him/her?  What happened to working it out for the good of the Child???   Finally, how do you entrust an impressionable young girl with a Man who disrespects Her Mother and Women in general.  What is he REALLY gonna teach Her?  You can't work with a person like that because he's purely motivated by his own selfish needs and wants.

Some people live their whole lives in denial and being blissfully ignorant of their own shortcomings and blame everyone else for wronging them, rather than working on themselves.   You can't teach someone who doesn't want to be taught.

I know what I'm doing.  I'm protecting my Baby.  I have more than enough LOVE to give her.  Even in my present unemployed state-I can take care of her Financially better than He can.  What does that tell you?  I can FORGIVE a whole lot.  But, I DON'T FORGET-and I'm trusting my MATERNAL INSTINCTS.   It's NOT ABOUT ME.  It's ALL ABOUT HER.

So listen up all you Tamar's-I GOT THIS.



Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Beginning of the Journey


It's been a long time, but I've been taking care of a Newborn-no small feat.  I'm a Mother, a New Mom for the first time and it's hard as I thought it would be and even harder than that.

Ms. Clarke Elise Gilliard made her entrance into this world in dramatic fashion as only a child of mine could on 1/4/12 at 3:23 am.  7lbs, 8ozs and 20 inches.   She was born by emergency Cesarean, because her heart rate was dropping after every contraction and she wasn't progressing downward through the Birth canal.  All that after four days of labor, and the fervent desire to do it all naturally.  I even ended up getting the Epidural.  I was so tired of the pain after all that time dealing with the contractions that I had to get the epidural.   So she came, and they immediately took her to the NICU where she was for almost 3 days, I didn't even get to hold her or really see her until a day later.

Thank God, she's here!   She's healthy.  She's beautiful.  She's perfect and wonderfully made.  She's a gift sent to me by God, and I love her dearly.  I can't imagine my life without her now-although I do remember my life before sometimes, and I wonder if I will ever have some semblance of it!

Thank God my Mother came to help me through the Birth, and I spent some time home with my Mom in MD afterwards-otherwise I would have been alone.  Finally, I was alone with my Daughter, at 6 weeks old, and we are doing fine.  All on our own.  She's my little buddy, and we have finally bonded-it sometimes doesn't happen immediately-and that's normal.   We had a few challenges in the beginning, with her Reflux and breastfeeding ( it is not all it's cracked up to be folks-it can be painful and in my case my milk supply was lower than her demand), but we are working through the issues.  She's healthy and is growing (she's 10lbs)!

I'm blessed to have her.  I LOVE my little munchkin, and I wouldn't change a thing, but I have been a ball of nerves and I admit that.  I worry about Her and if I'm doing the right things all the time.   I speak my mind about how I feel as a new Mom, and I'm real about how hard this is-I express the unpopular opinion.  No folks, it's not all JOYFUL for me-it's been hard, and of course I'm stressed.   I'm a Single Mom, unemployed, and I have minimal support.   No, you won't see me dancing, singing with birds chirping and butterflies flying around my head because of the "Joy of Motherhood" -I'm just trying to get through each day, one day at a time.    I'm stressed and I'm not afraid to admit it.  I have been done trying to maintain the image of Superwoman, better yet, Super Black Woman, for some time.  I can admit when I need help.  I can admit that sometimes I don't have it all under control.  I can admit that everything isn't Perfect.  That is not Life.  That  "it's all good" all the time attitude is a facade.

I need to work-although I always imagined I would be home with my child/children for at least a year in my past dreams!)  I have no financial support from the Father, and if I do take any help from him, as minute as it may be, this crazy Man acts like I owe him something, and for doing what any normal parent should without me having to ask-I mean, he makes a big deal if he buys a pack of Diapers!!   Mind you, I put him out because of the threat of physical violence by Him, WHILE I WAS PREGNANT (he was already verbally abusing me), and him not showing an ounce of concern for the remaining 7 months of my pregnancy without so much as a peep from Him-this "Person" proceeds to tell me how he's gonna come see Her and eventually take her on the weekends.  Really?  I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL AND I DON'T TRUST HIM TO CARE FOR HER SAFELY-let alone to raise her right and instill the proper values in Her or to even be a positive Male role model.  He gave me $500 recently to "help out" -and now he thinks he has equal rights as a parent-while still talking to me with no respect.  I was gracious enough to let him see her 2X (each time he came empty-handed), but having him around does not bring peace.  He only brings drama.    As educated as he is, I've NEVER had someone so IGNORANT in my cipher before.  Imagine you are in the King's court as a Lady of the Court surrounded by Kings, Noblemen, Lords & Knights-and then there is the Court Jester.  That's who my Baby Daddy is, the Court Jester.   Damn, can I choose em!  Thank God, my Daughter seems to have received the Best from both of us-as much as I can tell from her at 2 months old.

God is Good though y'all.  He's blessed me so I'm ok for a little while longer.   Also, I know he will provide the right job/career situation.  It's been hard to even look for work while taking care of a Newborn full time, and trust the Devil is always busy in nasty people thwarting my efforts, but I am faithful in God's works and I know we will be ok.    In the meantime, I have to watch my finances.  Taking a car is even a luxury.

I admit, I miss my old life some days.   I miss being in the City and having my freedom to hit a happy hour or two.  (I have not had a single drop of hard liquor in almost a year-I just recently started allowing myself a glass of wine every now and then -and even then I sometimes water it down with water or juice).   I feel like my sole purpose is to be a human feeding machine some days.  I'm sleep deprived with no one in the household to watch her so I can sleep for a couple of hours.   I never WANTED to have a Baby and then have to rely on public transportation.   I mean taking my Baby on the Subway and exposing her to all those nasty germs was enough to give me a heart attack for the first time, but even worse is the feeling of carrying her down the perilous steps in her stroller (because of course the trains in my neighborhood don't have elevators), and I'm a natural -born klutz!  Oh Jesus, I felt like I was gonna faint taking her down there -but I did it and I made it safely there and back.  I don't know how Mother's do that everyday.  I seem to always have a bit of anxiety now-and it has to do with my overall situation.    The weight and responsibility of caring for this little person all on my own is crushing sometimes-but I will get it done and She's gonna be just fine!

At this present moment, she's a little sick and actually in my arms sleep as I'm typing this.   She caught my cold and her vaccinations have her feeling a little bit down.  I can tell you I've had a few bouts of crying already-I can't bear to see my Child sick or in pain-and the feeling of helplessness is so intense that it can drive you crazy.  Not all of us are Baby Whisperers-sometimes you just don't know what to do-I'm learning as I go, and I thank God for a few sage, experienced Mommy's in my circle.   I never knew how Type A I was until I had her!  The worst thing for a person like me is not knowing what to do or the fear of the unknown.    She's getting better though and seeing her smile and coo again make me feel better!

So there you have it folks.  My experience so far.  I'm all about the truth.  I'm not asking for your pity, or even your help.  I'm just expressing what I'm genuinely feeling as a New Mom.  I've always been annoyed with the pundits and an audience of people who only want you to know the good things.  Just BE REAL, sometimes knowing what to expect can help you to better prepare, or make different decisions.   I made the decision to become Clarke's Mom, because anything else would have been selfish for me to do.  This is a journey, and it is sometimes filled with rocky roads.  I talk about the rocky roads and the paved roads too.    We all have to walk our own path.  My journey is unique to me.  You can't criticize me for that although some may.    I'm ok and I have my little Girl to keep me on the path and to walk this journey with me.  We will learn and discover as we go, together.