"Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright! Rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun, three little birds are by my doorstep, singing sweet songs of melodies pure & true, saying this is my message to you...Don't worry about a thing, cuz every little thing gonna be alright!" -Bob Marley
Hi Everybody!!! I know it's been a while since my last post, but I've had a lot going on, chiefly finishing up my Thesis/Capstone project for Grad School. I'm so pleased and proud that I turned it in yesterday! 3 long years of hard work while working full-time and its' done! I was blessed to have this semester with no full-time work-that would've been a LOT with a Baby on the way! All thanks be to God! All things work together for the good of them that love the lord! (Romans 8:28)
I'm soooo Happy y'all to have that weight off my shoulders -the next task BIRTH! :) THEN I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO LINE UP WORK! :) I gotta keep a roof over her head!
So, I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. One night I was laying in bed, a little sleepless, a bit troubled, wondering about how I got to this place in my life. I was mourning what I thought I should've had..."First comes Love, then comes marriage, then comes Dayna and the Baby Carriage!" Y'all know that rhyme-every little girl learns it-it was my dream and it was the way things were supposed to be for me, I never thought anything different. I still hope for that type of family structure. So I was thinking about all the CRAP I've been through with Men, and how I could be in a situation with a Man of such ill character-where the Child's Father doesn't even acknowledge the fact that he's having a baby-someone who could just completely absolve himself-without even so much as a phone call in 5 months-after all I did to support Him and his dreams. Wow.
Let me be clear people, it's not about HIM. My sadness was about my choices with Him and every other choice I made in the relationship department that took me FURTHER away from that dream of Love & Marriage and the Baby Carriage. So many of us play victim. I was a willing participant in these failed relationships, and I had a part to play. People can hurt us, but often we HURT ourselves more by not being true to ourselves. Some of us don't even know what we need-and that's a big problem. I mean simply that we all have a choice. We don't have to be unhappy. So in all this sadness, it happened-the Epiphany.
I don't remember the circumstance, but I clearly remember my Daddy telling me one day, "Dayna, your a survivor!" That was probably one of the most profound things he said to me, because until that moment, I often felt like a victim. Those words came back to me as I was lamenting in bed, and then I realized that all the drama & struggles I've been through, in relationships, with finances, with my Career even-has prepared me for this journey, this Journey of Being a Mommy-all by myself. Even the circumstances that led me to meeting her Father and now having this Baby were drama-but this was meant for me. Meant for me to experience this joy that IS my BABY. That's why in ALL THINGS, even in the valleys-you give Thanks-because I believe there is a greater plan at work that is not mine.
Now after finishing this Thesis, and even pulling a 24 hour no-sleep shift at almost 9 months pregnant, I know I can do anything!! That is BIG folks, because you must understand, BEING A SINGLE MOM WAS PROBABLY ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEARS! I never wanted to do this alone, BUT more importantly, I didn't think I could! This is the EPIPHANY-I can and I WILL, and I'm gonna be a damn good Mommy! All those struggles were preparation for THIS TIME and this wonderful WORK of being a Mother and molding and shaping the Life of another Human Being. It's the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE! This is NOT going to be Easy-but I can do it! The EPIPHANY is that I've overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life -that I now know I can do this! AND Yes-all by myself-I can do this.
A few years ago, after taking the Landmark Forum, I wrote down many possibilities that I wanted for my life. One of them was to live fearlessly. I must say, I have manifested that possibility into being over the last couple of years. The choice to have my little Girl is living fearlessly for me. We can't live in Fear folks. Fear of what people think, fear of what we think we can't handle, fear of being alone, any kind of fear. I thankfully, have a lot of spiritual faith that helps me to get beyond my Fears. I simply trust that God has a purpose for me and my life and what will be will be-so I've learned to move more freely over the years. Having this Baby is a result of being "FREED FROM THE FEAR" . Epiphany. I'm not sad, I'm thankful for the Blessing that is her, but also because I'm truly FREE now.
All this aloneness has given me clarity. Being alone hasn't been so bad-I've always feared it, but most often, I am alone. There's no "Crew" of men and women around me. I have people I can call on and people that just step-up, but it's been just Me through this whole pregnancy and just me dealing with my own struggles. I have learned that I can handle it all. God has been preparing me for all that is to come. If I can do this, I can be a Mother-all on my own. The beauty of it is this-after she is here, I won't ever be lonely again-at least not until she is 21! :)
"Yes I was burned, but I called it a Lesson Learned. The stake overturned so I called it a Lesson Learned, my SOUL has returned so I called it a Lesson Learned" that one is by Alicia Keys, a favorite when I truly had my heart broken...but I even knew then-it was a LESSON LEARNED.
I'm learning the lessons people. Epiphany. Baby Girl is the fruit of the Lessons Learned-as MUCH as she is a Blessing. She will be my Teacher too. Epiphany.